Not Good Enough For Me

Sometimes I just wish I had the guts to say “Fuck you” and move on.

But I’m always the one left apologizing. Some people can be total jerks. Yet, I always seem to be stuck with them.

I feel like I’m always trying to prove myself, and I blame myself for nearly everything. I feel like everything is my fault because I feel bad blaming anyone else. I’m my harshest critic. I have to act right and be perfect to feel okay.

I hate crowds. Being ignored makes me uncomfortable, but I settle for it because I don’t want to seem like an attention whore. I’m the one stepping aside to let other people steal the spotlight. After all I don’t want to seem too pushy. I hold myself to the most unreachable standards because I fear I don’t try hard enough. I don’t want to seem lazy, or useless..

Why am I always the doormat? I never feel empowered to speak up for myself. I either say too much, or say too little. Never satisfied.

Maybe I’m nothing. “That girl.” Unimportant.

I know it’s not true… But if I’m not nothing… What am I?

Often times I worry about what people think of me. I let others define me before I define myself and worry that there’s always something wrong. Maybe it’s my mom constantly reminding me to watch my weight. Maybe it’s my friends always moving on. Maybe it’s the people that really don’t give a shit that make me feel like I’m just not worth it. Maybe it’s the constant “I owe yous,” or the many times I’ve heard “I don’t even know yous.” Maybe it’s the world that calls me a bitch, saying I’M the one causing shit.  Cheers! For the times when people call me names and I say “I’m sorry,” the times when my best friend ditches me for my worst enemy and I say “I’m sorry,” the awkward moments when everyone’s having a good time except me but I don’t show it. I’m not “okay,” I’m awful, but I’m still sorry. For the times when some guy from town tries to use me and hurt me, and I say “I’m sorry,” and when I don’t speak up, and do speak up, and either way you’re still upset, “I’m sorry…”

“Let yourself be human, imperfections and all.” I don’t know why it’s so hard to accept this.

I never tell this to anyone…

 -Sydney

RANDOM QUOTE: “I wish I was a white crayon so nobody would use me.”

RANDOM ICON: