Needed to Think...

I wrote this blog post a week or so ago, but I wasn't actually sure if I wanted to post it to on the blog...Sydney read over it though and I was also thinking of how maybe it would be good to post it...I guess if I change my mind later, I can always just delete the post right?...you can do that right?....hmmmm. Well, here it goes....I guess.

So, my school is on thanksgiving break now, but I was thinking about if I should make a post. I’m honestly kinda nervous to write this, but I want to because since I feel like writing what I’m feeling will be good and help me get that I want to not have this feelings in anymore…maybe writing it on the blog will help? I’m not sure...but, here we go..
So, as you know through my blog posts from before, I’m different. As in, I have learning disabilities…and I’ve come to just accept that over the years especially since especially this year I know it’s more obvious to others that I’mnot the same, because I can’t ‘hide’ what I used to be able to…just focusing myself on doing the work in for school is difficult enough to manage.
Some people label me as OCD, ADD, Dyslexic, Slow- Learner, Socially Awkward, and Dumb, among other names…but, the thing that bothers me the most, isn’t the names their using, but the fact that they’re labeling me and sometimes incorrectly, and I know that they don’t really even know me. I mean, passing through the halls and through social media as well like facebook, it’s all around me. I can’t escape it. I know I’m being bullied, but I don’t really know how to deal with it. In my mind, I try to make up excuses for why they say what they say and try to justify it in a sense for my personal sense of peace of mind, but in the end, I know they will continue to say these things and reallythere’s nothing I can do about it. Sure I can complain to my Mom, although even then I don’t think there’s much she could do and plus I’m not really one to just be able to start talking about my problems to her since I know she doesn’trealize how much it’s affecting me and it’s not like she can just make all of this disappear anyways. I feel like I’ve opened up to my teachers about it more then to her…which obviously isn’t as good as going to her, but I feel like at school is where everything is the worst since with how interacting with the other students is.
I wonder if it’s the fact that I distract them in class, so that out of class(when there aren’t teachers there as well) they feel the need to pick on me and put me down with the labels and verbally attacks. Maybe it’s because I’m a easy target. Maybe it’s because I’m a girl. Maybe it’s because I really am dumb. Maybe it’s because I don’t understand as quickly as they do. Maybe it’s because teachers try to help me and spend more time covering a topic then everyone else needs. Maybe it’s because they’re insecure. Maybe it’s because they hate me.Maybe it’s because I’m different…..
Would people even notice if I disappeared?
Looking around me at school, I realize I’m one of the few kids who stands out…notbecause I’m a super-genius, or because I’m the class clown, or because I’mpopular. No—that’s not me. I’m the one that stands out because of all the wrong reasons. Why does everyone seem to hate me? I wish more people would take the time to get to know me like my teachers do and not just stop and stare because I trip up the stairs, or drop all of my books, or can’t open my locker as a Junior. I wish I wish I wish…. If only everything could just stop and my life could be normal.
Why did this happen to me? Why do I have to be different? Don’t I matter to you?
In class a few days ago, I broke down…in front of my teacher. I was absolutely mortified because I told myself in the morning that I was going to have a ‘good’day. You see, I have good days and bad days—days where I don’t have any ‘incidents’versus the days where stuff happens…like where my medicine doesn’t work and everything seems to be out of my control, like when I hear really loud noises and the voices yell at me and I can’t focus, and then I start to blink, and then I can’t stop, and then where I might start crying.
So anyways, my teacher took me outside and since it was right before lunch, she let me stay in her room to eat my lunch…not that I ate anything though. I was really upset and so she just let me cry for a good solid 15 minutes. I was so nervous about what she would say to me, but I’m really glad for her because of how she gave me a hug and was telling me that everything would work out and that the advice from her to why I was important and how I had to not listen to the other kids and that the ‘incidents’ aren’t my fault but that there in my mind that I can’t control. Sometimes, I think my teachers ‘get-me’ more then my own mom. She tries to, but it’s just not the same. My teacher was talking to me and just listening when I had something to say, which was really good since usually no one ever takes the time to listen to me or tries to, but then gives up on me when I can’t explain it so good or they decide they don’t really know how to help me. I think maybe she doesn’t really know how to help me sometimes,but maybe because she sees that I sometimes struggle a lot more than everyone else in class that she understands a little better of what to say?
So anyways, that’s just a lot of random thoughts I’ve had lately and obviously there are more, but I’ll have to write another post since because this one is really long and I’m still not even totally sure about posting this.
Well, I guess that’s all… so many feelings and things on my mind right now.
Quote: "Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."

Nonchalance and an Awkward Response

I think it’s weird when you encounter someone once and all of a sudden they expect you to say hi to them every time you see them. Some people just can’t think of a good way to get to know someone without being awkward. It’s funny how this particular relationship turned out. It can be quite a mystery game…

“Put on a shirt you w****,” yelled one of the soccer girls as the football players walked out of the locker room. He walked directly towards her and I was sitting beside her as well.

“Don’t you know how f****** hot it is? Oh yeah you don’t because you’ve never had to wear pads,” he replied. Meanwhile I’m trying to avoid probable embarrassment in front of the entire football team so I just mind my own business and put my soccer gear on and say hi to a couple boys on the team. He just continues to act like that same old popular guy, talking to all of my friends, and all of his friends, right in front of my face. Then he decided to say hello. “Hey, Sydney! Sup?” He walked around to the other side of me and continued to talk to his friends while I slowly but happily said hi.

My ears began to block out what was happening right then, but somehow a few minutes later I heard a voice. “She won’t lie to me.” I recognized the voice as his and turned to see him kneeling in front of me with his back facing me. “Can you read what it says on the back of my neck?” Suddenly I stopped. Now I’m no genius but from what I figure they spent a good few minutes talking about what some other popular fool wrote on this fool’s neck and he totally used a sly move to involve me in the conversation. We’re talking about a guy who hardly gets the chance to say hello to me on a daily basis. I must say, it was pretty clever of him to say that, considering he chose not to just ignore me, but somehow the awkwardness got to me.

All I could speak was, “um… okay…” as the other students shouted out what was written. It obviously wasn’t anything special, just a heart and a few letters. I just couldn’t believe what I had gotten into. My friends had brought him close by for friend like reasons and he stayed there building up the courage to talk to me. Ha?

Too bad it didn’t last. Not that I care. That’s when practice started.

At the end of practice, everyone had cleared out and I was the only one left in the parking lot waiting for my ride. But then I saw it walk out of the locker room and towards a door to the school that was a good 20 yards behind me. I knew he was going to walk in it. And he did. But he saw me. And I saw him (he doesn’t know that). He turned around.

I felt it coming. It was creeping up behind me in that nonchalant way. And I finally turned my head to sneak a quick peak. It leaned on the fence beside me. I almost died laughing but hid it with a sweet smile and shy look in the other direction, almost rolling my eyes. But it’s a proud thing. He has the guts to do that, and carry on with a curious conversation. Even more hilarious is that awkward moment when you have to leave and he goes back to where he was headed before leaving you to realize that he had come over playing “the cool dude” card just to talk to you.

Well, I obviously can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve even arranged my routine to fit yours so I could see you more. I get frustrated when we don’t speak, and I get frustrated when we do ‘cause I never say what I’d like to. But it feels different. I don’t get all tingly when I think about you. My heart doesn’t race. I do however smile with wide eyes and a dropping jaw ‘cause I’m in awe of what I’m feeling, but I can’t put a name to it. I feel like we’re just strangers with the constant chance to wink and say hello.

RANDOM QUOTE: "Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself."

RANDOM ICON:


Because my name is... <3
-Sydney

"Just Be Yourself"

Hey everyone,
It's been a long time since I've posted on the blog. Maybe it's time to write again. haha...what do you tihnk?

Anyways, I was thinking about a discusion I had with my teacher the other day after she realized that I was  upset by a comment another classmate had made to me about the fact that I'm not like everyone else (but obviously my classmates haven't been told this, so they just see me as 'different').

Lets call this classmate Eli and the teacher Ms.M. Okay, so we were doing a reading circle where as a class we go around the room and everyone reads a part of the book, or in this case short story. There's the option to pass if you don't want to read, and in the past years of of school I usually chose this, but starting a new year and in a effor to challenge myself and grow as a person I decided to actualy try to read when it was my turn. When I read I have to do what some people may refer rto as finger reading so that I can fololow where the wrods are in the line where we're reading. Eli made an initiel comment that I was reading too slow and too softly, so I tried to be louder AND faster (that was the harder part) as I continued on with the paragraph. I thought I was doing well, but then he has to point out that I'm finger reading...now, this wouldn't be so bad if he had just asked me, but the fact that he pointed it out the the entire class mortified me...obviously. Come on now....we're in 11th grade, it's NOT necesery to put someone down like that. URGH. So anyways, Ms.M said I could leave the room if I needed for a minute since I was clearly embarrased and upset by his remark, so I went to the bathroom and then just hung outside the room for the last 5 or so mins of class...

Since the class after this was Lunch, Ms.M asked me to stay and talk with her for aminute once everyone else had left. I think it really helped since obviously she's noticed that I finger read, I read slower than other people, and I'm well..different. I don't know if teachers know all of the medical things with students, but now she knows I'm dyslexic. I'll be honest, I try my best to 'hide' the fact that I'm dislexic in school beacuse I don't want to have any different treatment then other kids...but, teahcers are smart and obviously I can't completey hide this fact. I mean, it's part of who I am. Although, we talked a lot about the fact that I can't let other people's comments get to me, but that she knows how hurtful and mean his comment was, the one thing that I'll always alwayas always remember her telling to me is this: "Just be yourself"

She told me that I can get extra help on readings anythime and that she's going to have a talk with Eli, but not outright disclose that I'm dyslexic. So, I think it was befeneficial to talk with her and now she knows why I stuggle in her class, but that I do truly want to be successful with my reading and writing this year.

Okay, so that was kind of scattered, but it was definitely a important part of my junior year so I thought i hsould include it in the blog. Thanks for reading.

Quote: "Out of darkness comes a rainbow."

First Day of School

Welcome back world,

My first day of school was a little chaotic. It was no surprise considering no day is normal for me.

First of all, I happen to be a genius when it comes to anonymous texting. Now walking in the hallways being greeted by 50 people who you’ve been pranking throughout the entire summer without giving away your identity makes it a little hard to keep a straight face especially when you hardly ever get that many people to notice you in the first place. Meanwhile I’m running around the hallways with my soccer stuff on and banging on my locker to get it open after 10 tries, throwing things all over the floor. Wow crazy. But if there’s anything you can learn about me it’s that I AM crazy. And I like it. However, I always run around with a smile on my face. Fun times.

But school isn’t all fun in games. I got homework on the first day -_-. What kind of cruel, heartless teacher would do that? A male one. HA! Okay I’m not trying to be stereotypical or rude here but it’s true, he was a guy.

Even weirder, after so many days of ignoring MCSG, I find out he has the same lunch as me. Again. And he literally stared at me the whole time with those beaming eyes and his head leaning on his hand. What’s weird is this “Mr. Popular” can talk to so many girls straight up (while being all flirty and leaning against the lockers) but he can only bring himself to give me a quick toothless smile and a wave after all this time (which I unfortunately could not avoid so I waved back). That was after school, and after avoiding the “guy move/sideways head turn” at me, the smiling, the staring, and the walking right past you in the hallway while you flirt with all the other jocks incident. What is it with jocks? MCSG, the football player, should tell us cause that’s literally the only people he talks to. That’s so cliché of popular cliques. I’m so screwed. You see, the problem is, I don’t know if I hate having MCSG around O_O. One of my friends thinks “he totally likes me” and said “awe Sydney! You like him!” Do not.

            “I deny that possibility.” - Me

“It’s 100% impossible that that could even be possible.” – Me

Major *Sigh* moment: I spot a super cute boy. He looks back and I shy away. He noticed me! I look again and we meet eyes for just a second. Later, I walk by him and he walks right on through, without a care in the world, as if I didn't exist and I'm "just that girl" again. 

Anyways that’s a basic update. I’ll post again when I get my creative juices flowing and my mind out of the “Sunday Lazy Day” mode. Welcome back to fall as we leave the summer sun behind and move into the cold season.

RANDOM QUOTE: "Sometimes I wonder what you think of me or if you think of me at all."

RANDOM ICON:

-Sydney

Update! :)

Hey Everyone!
School is oficcially started. I've started my classes, kinda figured out my schedule, and yes, I've gotten the 1st 'set' of that dreaded thing known as homework. I forgot how much time consuming it can be...the break over the summer was very nice. :) Anyways, tomorrow will be the start of the 2nd week back at school for the 2011-12 school year and I'm kinda excited since I'll get to reallly get started on classes and get to know my teachers..but at the same time, I'm not really ready. It's about to get very stresful and I can tell I'm going to have a rough time this year with keeping on track with everything. My teachers will be there to help though...but, I'll have to be the one to initiate the help when I need it. In 11th grade, it's not the teacher's job to always be asking me. I know it's time that I have to to make sure I get the help I need when whatever we're learning becomes too confusing and I don't understand. This year my calsses are: Pre-Calc Honors, Spanish 3, US Literature, US History, Earth Science, and AP Biology.... Based on 1st impressions form last week of having class (AKA the 1st week of school year this) my favorite teacher is my spanish teacher...which is fabulous since that's def. going to being one of the classes I will most strugglith since it's a foreign language and I'm not the best with reading/writing things for in english anyways right now too. Oh goodness. It will be a challenege, but I'm up for it! :) Wish me luck!!
 Beyond the update of school year, I've been thinking about life in general lately. Somtimes I worry too much about small things. Like what people honestly think of me. If I'll ever be able to at least seem 'normal' despite clearly being different. If I'll ever be able to overcome the fear of failure. When I'll stop being homesick every. sinlge. time. I have to leave home...even when it's for something I enjoy (ex. SEACAMP) Who will take the time each day to say hi and really mean it. If anyone will reach out to me as a friend when they need help. Why I always feel nervous when I have to talk in public. Or why I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. Overall though, I know that many of these things I worry about are simply irrational fears...and I usually just blow things out of praspective a lot of the time...I can't help it though. So, that's the update (quick, not that indepth) of my life right now...
Here's a short poem I wrote that kinda fits with this post:
Time-Do you see me?
Can you hear me?
Did you know I'm trying to help?
I wonder when you'll take the time
to notice and say hello.
I know I'm quiet
all alone in my world
I'd open up to you though
if I thought you really cared
Does anyone ever stop to think
about the passing world
or is it solely I alone
who contemplates
these hours
minutes
seconds
passing by
wasted time unnoticed
Lets all breathe and stop right now
to think about this life
these preciouse moments
passing by
that can't be replaced or bought

Quote:
"An hour, one hour, can change everything forever. An hour can save your life. An hour can change your life. Sometimes an hour is a gift we give ourselves. For some, an hour can mean almost nothing. For others, an hour makes all the difference in the world. But in the end, it's still just an hour. One of many. Many more to come. Sixty minutes. Thirty-six hundred seconds. That's it. Then it starts all over again. And who knows what the next hour might hold."

Thanks for reading! Sorry it's been so long since I've posted.
-Sadie

Random Rambles

'Ello World,

Today we had registration for high school. So I went to the school, met up with friends, blah blah blah, completely ignored MCSG (if you didn't read my previous post this stands for Mr. Creepy Stalker Guy) when he tried to catch my attention... Okay hold up.

BOYS LESSON #4: Personally, if I see you do any of the following in an obvious attempt to get me to notice you I will see your obvious signs of interest (unless I'm being a normal girl/guy who can't (ever ever) take hints which is often) crack up laughing and/or think you're a creeper and/or totally see right through your tendency to "play it cool" (which by the way is SO annoying): a) roll around on a chair with wheels screaming, "WHEE!" b) saying hi to a group of friends I'm in that you've never met in your life, c) SHOUT SUPER LOUDLY ABOUT YOUR PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS FROM ALL THE WAY OVER THERE! ! ! d) stand 3 inches away from myface while dramatically staring into my eyes for 20 seconds, e) pull off the old fashioned sideways head turn directly towards me, f) etc. So if you're trying to pass unnoticed, don't do these things haha.

BOYS LESSON #5: If we girls pretend to not notice you and are successful, we win. No if, ands, or buts. So, either boldly run up and directly to our face say "Hey ___(insert name)__!" to get our attention or back off, you lose, and you are only making a fool of yourself by stalking us. (In my opinion of course)

Anyways, I've been going to rigorous soccer tryouts this week, and I just signed up for my dance lessons and a trapeze lesson this weekend. I'm excited! As far as school goes, and summer coming to an end... Well, I still have a week to live like a princess.

I feel like taking life as it comes is much easier.

BOYS LESSON #6: We girls have a right to act like a princess with these conditions: It's our birthday, we are playing pretend, we are in our own little world, and if you're being a jerk. Ha, well, we should be able to anyways.



So school starts in a week for me and guess what? I haven't even started my back to school shopping! There's one advantage to this: Waiting until after school starts to shop means that you hit all of the sales. But unfortunately I only have about 3 new outfits to wear for the first week of school. Don't ask why there is so much pressure to always have new clothes at least at the beginning of school. Apparently... Welcome to High School. We should really rebel against this.

Hey so turns out, I've already started to make a new identity for myself (as far as attitude and... well you know how people classify you in cliques at school? I've just dodged that train). I thought it would be so much more difficult. I just like shaking things up. So generally, I always strive for a new outlook/inlook (is that what they say when somebody is looking at you instead of you looking at the world?). The only bad part about this is many people struggle to figure out if I'm really acting like my true self or just being a little bit different.

And here's a little something I made. Originally I think I was going to use it to cover my binder for school but I decided I didn't want the world to see me as emo (which I must say this isn't a pleasant read). But you can look at it of course!


OH. Originally I was going to make a word art picture of the lyrics to a Taylor Swift song but I got sick of working so I put in different words. This is why you see the words Innocent and Haunting (Innocent and Haunted being 2 of her songs). Speaking of Taylor Swift, her concert is coming up and I finally found a buddy to go with. Yay! 

RANDOM QUOTE: "If we go to school to learn, and knowledge is power, and power is corrupt, and corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay then why the heck do we go to school?!"

RANDOM ICON:

And yes, my next post won't be so random/weird/annoying/totally unplanned. :D.

- Sydney

Why I Am NOT Looking Forward to High School

To the world,

So I had an eye exam today and it’s official. I’m .5 nearsighted. Now that’s not bad, but it means I need to wear glasses sometimes during school. That will definitely take some getting used to. I tried on some glasses at the eye place today and I’m already frustrated with what they look like on me. Why should I care as long as I can see though, right? But my eyes hurt so badly right now because they dilated them.

I’ve never really been content with complaining, at least to a specific audience that is. But sometimes it’s nice to let out a little “juice.” So grab your straws, world! I swear I will be in a better mood sometime at the end.

“I walked inside a crowded room, and all I saw was me.

I was a ghost and everything around me seemed still as can be.

I heard whispers of, “who is she,” and “what’s she doing here?”

Meanwhile all I that I could think of was how to disappear.”

            - I wrote that one day when I was walking around the school. People didn’t have a clue who I was and I could care less to tell them.

I used to think that nobody ever noticed me. Maybe it was that way before, until I started showing off my own personality and flare in the simplest ways. Now I understand that people do notice me, but they just do not know me. It’s like my identity is simply having no identity. Sometimes I feel like I’m afraid to speak up in high school, just as I’d rather perform in front of thousands of people I do not know than in front of my school friends. There’s just something about school that feels more like work and like you can’t be yourself and be open because of the pressure put on you to blend in with society and peer pressure to be just like everyone else.

            I usually end up grabbing hold of two titles. One, which you already know about, is “quiet” and the other is “weird.” Do you ever feel like people just aren’t giving you the chance to let others get to know you? That and, people can be so consumed in other things that they don’t care to listen and get to know you. Immediately you get a feeling of distance from your classmates.

I was just reading through my journals. A few months ago I wrote to myself, “sometimes it’s like you feel so much that you can’t write or talk about it and you feel bottled up.” Yet, I try to explain.

You know what scares me and/or bothers me about high school? Maybe this is just another “diary of a shy girl,” but here are a few things:

1.    Lots of people, lots of people you don’t know, and even worse, people you don’t know even though they know you. O_O

2.    If you screw something, you live with it and see it every day for 4 years.

3.    People are way too involved with their little cliques.

- At my school we have several cliques: The ASB, and the popular kids that if you talk to them and you aren’t in their group or don’t have a connection (such as knowing a friend from a sport or activity) they will stomp on you like a little bug (not to be sexist. But it’s usually the guys that do this) yet please note not everyone is like this, but many are (stereotypes). Then there’s the “nerds,” or the people in the advanced level classes that never seem to branch out, the nerds that eat lunch in teachers’ classrooms, and the other cliques I don’t seem to know much about, like the “emos,” “skaters,” and what I like to call, “The Musicless Boy Bands.” But anyways, it’s tough knowing that everything is in its own little place and change isn’t an option.

4.    School work, tests, grades. Enough said.

5.    There’s this guy. I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty afraid of him. He’s so intimidating and he totally stalks me. He stares at me like a creeper. I mean it’s one thing to catch someone’s eyes for a minute or catch a look directly in the eyes and see their eyes sparkle and smile at me, but when you blankly stare at me for more than 10 seconds I start to get worried. Do I have something on my face? Are you plotting to come and hurt me? Just as bad, are you going to ask me to the homecoming dance? Well maybe it’s just me but I don’t want to go to the dance with a creep who I barely know.

Those are just the things on my mind right now. You know what also bugs me? Friends that seem so uninterested in a conversation and making me do all the work to keep it alive. Sure it can be a back and forth thing with who leads but don’t make the effort so one-sided. I say something and get an, "lol........" or an, "um...okay," and it’s like I said something really weird or bad and you're avoiding me. Sometimes we say those things, yes, but if you do it all the time, and I mean ALL THE TIME, eventually I’m just going to get sick of talking to you if you keep doing so. Lately I’ve gotten SO used to one-sided relationships. It’s so bad these days. I’d be utterly impressed if someone could prove me wrong right about now and put forth some effort. Typical high school lazy friends.

So now that I’m thinking about homecoming, what if you DON’T want to go to the dance with someone who asks you? What do you say?

Ideas for how to turn down a homecoming date:

1.    I promised to go with my friends.

2.    I already have a date.

3.    I have plans for that night with my family/friends/a date/dinner out (anything you can think of)

4.    I’m sorry, I was waiting for someone else to ask, but I can save you a dance.

Do you have any more ideas? Just remember, lying can lead to troubles. Just be honest when saying no in the kindest way possible and things should turn out fine. And don’t EXPECT whoever asks you to be “fine.” They will probably be a little hurt or embarrassed at first.

On the contrary, there are some things I am looking forward to about high school. One is meeting up with friends, and another is BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING! Yeah… that’s pretty much it. Care to share what is exciting and worrying you about the upcoming school year?

                                                                To my dearest Sadie:

                           (Note me making fun of the fact that

                           I have to wear glasses at school next year)

RANDOM QUOTE: “I had my share, blinked away the tears, and now I’m over it.”

RANDOM ICON:

-Sydney