The Ugly Truth

Would you rather I be mad because I know the truth, or be mad because I don’t? Would you rather I be mad for you not telling the truth or someone else be mad because you did?

It sucks when life brings you to a point when it’s time to choose between your best friends. It sucks when life brings you to a point where you can’t trust the one’s you’ve trusted most all the times before.

There is no, “it all depends.” You’ve got to choose left or right and live with that decision for the rest of your life without turning back.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

How does this relate to me? Well, you see, I have a group of a few close mutual friends at school. Unfortunately, where there is a “group” there is secrets because often times everyone talks behind your backs. What’s even worse is making a promise to keep a secret, especially when you absolutely can’t keep them. Promises are most often broken. You can easily see how this could lead into what I was just saying about choosing between friends. I agree with Sadie. 1) Why do people make promises they can’t keep? 2) Some things just push you over the edge and 3) Crying helps. Who wouldn’t cry if you and your best friends were slowly splitting apart? Even worse, they might be taking your other friends with them.

All I wanted was some answers and a little less “Drama Queen.”

To continue…

There’s this boy, right? Of course ;). Said boy doesn’t like to make himself clear. Ask him anything!

Question: How are you?

Answer: I don’t know.

Question: Are you okay?

Answer: Maybe.

Question: So anything exciting happen today?

Answer: I guess.

Question: Do you like ____?

Answer: I don’t want to answer that.

Question: Why won’t you answer that question?

Answer: I don’t know.

Question: Do you seriously want me to be mad at you for not answering me?

Answer:

(Later that day)

Question: Hey what’s up?

Answer: Are you seriously wearing those shoes…?

Dot dot dot…

Boy likes girl. Girl is SO oblivious. Girl likes to talk about how girls like boy. Boy likes to disagree. Boy says more boys like girl than girls like boy. Confused yet? Anyways, it just so happens that this boy is right. More boys like this girl than girls like that boy.

Question: So do you REALLY think more boys like her?

Answer: Well, yeah, considering I’m one of them.

Question: WHAT? Are you kidding me?! I thought you were over this!

Answer: Yeah… Why are you mad?

Question: Seriously? Because you like her and didn’t tell me and it’s really dumb that…

Answer: I never said that! What are you talking about?!

Anyways… point proven.

BOYS LESSON #7: ANSWER. Don’t just be difficult. It’s really annoying.

The Ugly Truth is that... the old truth is the new lie...

RANDOM QUOTE: “Best friends listen to what you don’t say.”

RANDOM ICON:

-Sydney

Day... I Mean End to a Week Gone Bad

Good evening world,

Today I was volunteering all day, working at a concessions stand to help out and make money for the football team. Boy was today just another hassle to my already awful week. Just yesterday I had gotten into a fight with my parents that was really all a misunderstanding, but since no one could stop yelling random crap and “Go to your room,” so that nobody could explain their side of the story, it lasted a lot longer than it should have and was much more painful. But that was settled. Anyways, today I first arrived to help out and see all of the other workers and a few football players there. I’d be lying to say that my first thought wasn’t, “DANG, these boys aren’t even cute.” I know, I know, I’m such a girl. But I was looking forward to some conversation! Shocking coming from me, eh? Turns out these boys were the shyest football players you’d ever meet. They hardly said a word. However, the head coach is… well, yum. O_o I’m sorry but he is and I don’t care if that’s weird. Also, everyone there was like so big and so tall compared to me (And I'm not exactly short) so it was a little intimidating. Well, I was shockingly disappointed within a few moments…

“Ms. You got black pants?”

“These ARE black…”

“Go to the Salvation Army and buy some black pants or you can’t work.”

WOW.

I’ll have you know… people were wearing jeans! And my pants were totally black! So there started an adventure to… Woo! The Salvation Army! And I will never wear those black pants again in my entire life. Then they gave me a hassle about not being allowed to bring bags to work so the workers really started getting on my nerves. We started making food and soon enough we were handing out hotdogs and other crap. BELIEVE ME IT'S CRAP. Never eat concession food again! NASTY! I almost puked. And it was sooooo hot! And we got sooooo dirty (I don’t usually mind dirty but I felt gross in what I was wearing already). And it was boring! To top it all off, I swear the football players hardly even worked. I was doing everything (P.S. it’s not even my football team). Now I’m not saying I’m not a cheerful volunteer, but dude. It was a bad setting. Long story short, we stood next to trash on the way out that smelt so bad I could pass out, walked next to smokers for a good half hour (in that time I still hadn't unplugged my nose from the trash so i wasn't breathing properly for a good couple hours (including gasping for breath in the hot kitchen)), I got home, ate another bad cut of meat JUST like yesterday, got sick, tried to fix my fried hair (from working in the hot kitchen all day) with deep conditioner, and problems got worse with my friends. Yay!

And now I would like to dedicate a paragraph to me rambling on about friends who let you go then come back for more and repeat the cycle over and over and over giving the constant “I’m sorry it won’t happen again” message (Taylor Swift – You’re Not Sorry is what I’m thinking of). And yes, once again I found myself browsing the internet for quotes about how I’m feeling and listening to those sad and I’m so mad kind of songs. Hate the feeling, love the inspiration. For the sake of this blog (and as you may have noticed before) I don’t go into a lot of background and detail with things I’m going through, but I simply stick to the emotions. Here goes:

Don’t tell me how wonderful your new best friend is. Don’t tell me how life is so amazing now. You told me that if things weren’t different then I could leave, so show me the door, girl. Show me the door. “Drama’s for movies, not reality.” Now if you’re going to get mad at me for your hypocritical actions then talk to the wrist, because you’re officially dissed. I gave you 2, 3, 4, a thousand chances and you still blow it. Go ahead and tell all of “our” friends! “Haters are going to hate, baby.” And don’t act like I’m the bad guy here who just lost you because you didn’t even have me as a friend for a while now.

“Sweetie, if you’re going to be two-faced at least make one of them pretty :).”

“When people you don’t even know hate you, you know you’re the best. <3”

“No more games, no more drama. When you want to be real, give me a holla.”

“Lately I have to watch what I say. You take things personal nowadays. You used to laugh and now you get mad… dang I want my best friend back.”

“The more friends you have, the more problems there will be, because everyone that’s a part of your life talks crap when you can’t see.”

“Friendship isn’t about whom you have known the longest. It’s about who came and never left your side.”

RANDOM QUOTE: … - Anonymous

RANDOM ICON:

-Sydney

It Got Me Thinking...

Hey Everyone.
So, I started reading this book called "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons and it got me thinking about just how mean girls can be...but, yet that passive agressive behavior is often overlooked especially when it's mixed in with the physical agression typicaly seen from boys. This is something I often find myself thinking about especially now with high school. Not to often, but often enough, I'll find myself in the middle of a conversation that's completely gossip. Yeah I'll admit it, sometimes it's fun to vent to a friend about how much you hate this one teacher, or this peer that just won't stop doing something that's totally frustrating you, or about that one time when your sibling made you want to kill them....but, quite often, that 'vent' session will turn into gossip and before you can do anything to stop it, the conversation topics spread to just about everyone and almost always leave a victim. I would know..trust me.
At anyrate, I get that it can be fun to gossip a little bit with friends at lunch, before/after school, or on the weekends...but, I just hate how in those moments when I do find myself laughing at a mean joke that's been made and realize that I'm NOT just laughing along with everyone else to fit in..but, that I truly did find something funny in what was being said about that person or group of people. It's frustrating to me when other students gossip and when I find myself in a 'gossip session' because of the lack of self-confidence that I have in myself to be able to stan up to my friends or any other group of people talking about someone else behind their back and spreading rumors. Don't get me wrong, I do realize that a lot of times the rumors start out as truths...but, through exageration and the rush people get from being in the 'know' about who did what, where, and how....it will quite fast become a rumor and completely untrue. It's kinda like that game called telephone that we all played as kids...where one person would start with a word, it would be passed around the circle of people through whispering in ears, and by the end wouldn't be at all what the initial word was. Things happen that skew the truth and change the meaning of something that was said or that happened. That's part of the passive agression that teen girls become part of.
I don't know where exactly I stand when it comes to gossip because on one hand I know I'm totally against it...but, the I realize that I have inded been part of the problem of gossiping with friends, and I feel like a hypocrite saying that I'm totally against it 100%. On the other hand, I realize how mean and problematic it is, and that makes me think that it's okay to take that initial stand because of my UNDERSTANDING of it and how I try my very best to not get involved with those conversations...even though it's sometimes unavoidable. And lets be honest here, who doesn't want to be in the 'know' when it comes to all of the latest happenings regarding school life, teachers, peers, etc... I know I sure want to be.
It's such a hard topic, because we all find ourselves (yes, boys included) gossiping about someone else at one point or another...even if we don't want to actually admit that...but, at the same time everyone who's ever been 'targeted' and has experienced the emotional pain/what it does to your self esteem will understand why it's such a major problem.
I feel like for girls especially it's difficult because of how girls as a whole will use ways such as gossip to passively 'attack' someone they don't like...with their target usually being another peer that's female. One of the hardest parts about gossip is the fact that you never really know WHO started the rumor, and in a sense it creates a 'break' in your sense of security with your peers and you find that you can't fully trust anyone. That's the worst feeling to have when you wake up every morning knowing you're going to go spend the day at school with all of those people.
I'm not really sure where I wanted to go with this post...but this is just something that the book got me really thinking about again. So, I thought, why not make a post about it?
Sorry if it's a bit rambly or hard to follow of my thoughts...I just wanted to get my ideas/thoughts written down.
Thanks for reading! :)
-Sadie

Here's a quote from "Odd Girl Out" to end with:
"Within the hidden culture of agression, girls fight with body language and relationships instead of fists and knives. In this world, friendship is a weapon, and the sting of a shout pales in comparison to a day of someone's silence. There is no gesture more devastating than the back turning away."
(Simmons, pg. 3)

Drama That You'd Never Tell Your Momma

Hey World,

           

            I feel like my last post was a little weird somehow. But here’s another one that you might be able to relate to a little more. I titled it "Drama That You'd Never Tell Your Momma" because if your mom is anything like mine, she just doesn't understand this kind of girl stuff and if you tell her it will be more like an interogation and "YOU NEED TO DO THIS UGH" then a "oh honny I'm sorry" kind of discussion.

It can be hard to avoid drama with your friends sometimes. What I’ve been going through with my friends is much like a jigsaw puzzle. I’ve been going through a similar thing to what Sadie is going through about her friend ignoring her and not wanting to be friends anymore, except multiple friends are against me. It’s like because of one person, everyone turned against me. It was one person who shared everything I told her to all of my friends (while juicing up the story a little) to make it seem like I was a bad person, my best friend, that did this.

I’m just going to talk about a few little things that burst into a really big deal. This isn’t the full story, as you might be able to tell, but I’m focusing on little details that actually made a big impact on our emotions.

Here’s the bottom line, don’t tell your best friends that you think you’re being replaced and then later tell them that you are now spending more time with someone else. That’s what she did to me and it’s just not cool.

I hate how I shared something special with every single one of my friends, whether that be an inside joke, being the first to know each other in a group of friends, a plan to go on vacation together, communication through email unlike everyone else, or a blog like me and Sadie (who is the only person I’ve ever had a blog with :D), and now it’s not special anymore because each friend spoiled the secrets and gave that special something to someone else too. What hurt me a lot was a friend who I was “twins” with. She became “twins” with my other best friend who happened to be the “best friend” that had complained about me replacing her (which I never did by the way. It was just a rumor that was spread, which is another thing I hate about high school and gossip and teens because they are rarely true and totally break everything apart (another main reason why I’m going through what I’m going through is the spreading of rumors)) and then turned many of my friends against me and replaced me in return. Then another friend starts talking to the person they used to hate when I was friends with them because the “hater” hated me and they became best friends (I hope I’m not confusing you too much with all of the people involved). So all my friends turned against me and we have nothing special anymore and my worst enemies are now friends with my ex friends. Now I’m left with just the memory and everyone is ticked off at me. For life.

A while ago I had my 16^th birthday. One of these so called friends of mine had been ignoring me for quite some time, and this person knew it was my birthday because everyone spread the news, yet this person didn’t say happy birthday to me. Go figure. Now I’m not going to complain about a simple happy birthday but even if this person had told me happy birthday, it’s not like I would think they are trying to be friends with me again. It’s just a nice and unexpected thing to do that would have made me feel really good, especially when all of my other so called friends said happy birthday. Besides, birthdays are supposed to be special and full of surprises. But hey, welcome to high school, where it is absolutely impossible to get around without running into someone you know, as you see them in the halls and classroom all the time, making it extremely obvious that you’re being ignored.

There was another friend that had stopped talking to me as well. Months and months and months had passed and then finally she decided to send me a message forward. After that I got another message saying, “sorry I was really bored XD.” How am I supposed to respond to that after such a long time of not speaking to each other? I was extremely hesitant to respond. All I could think of was that she used me as a second choice to talk to when she was “bored” but she couldn’t be there for the past who knows how many days. All of a sudden, after such a long time, if you decide to talk and expect me to open up like we are still the best BESTEST friends ever, I won’t be quite sure what to do. In fact I’ll be speechless. Yes, it’s a fact that time passing does help the healing process, and it takes time to earn trust back once it’s broken, but how can you trust a person you haven’t spoken to for so long? Who knows what happened to them and what they’ve been talking about. What you do is give a little bit of space then start being there for that person and proving you’re trustworthy again, not just completely let that person loose and come back sometime in the future saying, “HIYA BUDDY!”

I know that my friends talk about me, because once in a while I will get a message asking a question about something and I ask why they want to know and they say they were talking about me, but it just hurts being so isolated just because I actually know what’s going on as they are ignoring me. I know exactly what has happened.

Well, if friends can be a jigsaw puzzle, being “more than just in the friend zone” is a hassle. 2000+ years together, and boys and girls still aren’t on the same page. Sigh.

FLASH BACK

On the last day of school, I recall running into a guy who I barely knew. He was one of those guys that you catch their eye one day and then next thing you know you say hi to each other every day but never really talk to. So he said, “hey Sydney,” as usual with those big beaming eyes and a nice smile, yet in that awkward O_O and :D at the same time kind of way (kind of like those moments when you realize you are right next to your crush with that weird, happy, and tense feeling) so that you could tell he was nervous for some reason. I said hi back, but then he did two really strange things. A) He said (in a really hyper RAWR kind of way) “I’m going to hug you,” and B) are you going to be here next year? Well, maybe these aren’t THAT strange but first of all, that is the most awkward way to get a hug in the entire universe.

BOYS LESSON #1: Don’t ask for hugs. You just let it happen in the spur of the moment, especially if you hardly know that person. I mean if they are sad or extremely shy or something you can politely ask, “would you like a hug,” or “can I hug you?” But otherwise it’s just awkward…

Second of all, what’s it to you if I don’t come back? I should have said I wasn’t coming back, because then what? You ask for some way to contact me? I’m sure you’re thinking I’m acting a little weird for him just trying to be friendly, but this particular guy didn’t have a phone, and I didn’t have a facebook, so there was absolutely no way of contact anyways, AND I didn’t know who the heck this guy was. To me he’s a stranger that by some odd chance goes to my school.

Anyways, that same day, another guy told one of my friends that she looked fat in her outfit. How rude.

BOYS LESSON #2: If a girl asks if she looks fat, she either really thinks she might look fat and trusts your opinion, or she wants to know how you think she looks and wants to hear you say, “no you look great.” Many guys have told me that there is no real good answer to this question, but there is. You either A) use BOYS LESSON #3 which I will list in a second, or B) say she looks fine/good/great/beautiful/etc. Whether it’s hard to believe or not, some girls don’t actually know if they should be content with their weight, and some just want to know what YOU think is a perfect weight, so don’t say, “ugh. Why do all skinny girls have to ask if they are fat? They already know they are skinny.” On the other hand, some girls can be a little obsessive and/or needy when they ask these questions so watch out.

BOYS LESSON #3: ALL insults shall be worded as compliments. For example, “I think what you are wearing is nice, but I REALLY loved the outfit you wore the other day.” If you word it like that, cooties to you, respect for you, and we will appreciate it because if there’s one thing I know, girls love hearing your opinions even if it doesn’t seem like it. In fact, many girls search for your opinions.

That’s all that’s on my mind right now about boys though, so tune in for more in upcoming posts!

RANDOM QUOTE: “Life becomes so much better when you decide not to care. Just live in the moment and don’t let the drama bring you down.”

RANDOM ICON:

-Sydney

What Do I Know?

Dear world,

                      I was just thinking to myself. Many people have asked me how I would describe myself and I never have an answer. I always end up saying, "I'm just different," which I am. I'm not a part of a clique, though I quite possibly could join several, and I prefer to be the "middle" person. I never describe myself to people because I don't feel as if I can use enough words, or the right words, to do so. It's like having writers block. Now when it comes to writing, I generally always have something to say unless I'm thinking way too many thoughts at once (which is like what I feel when asked to describe myself). When it comes to conversations however, I often don't have a lot to say. I find it easier to stay quiet unless something is worth saying. This is why I'm very laconic.                                                          What do I know?

Some things are meant to be left speechless. You can't describe to a blind person the joy and beauty of what can be seen. You can't put a price on people just as there are never enough words in the dictionary to describe a particular feeling to it's fullest, or in this case, what a person is like. These are few of the many things that came to mind when thinking about myself:

I’m the type of girl who won’t be the first to say hello. I’m the type of girl that smiles when you say her name in the sense that you actually know it. I may not carry on the conversation well but I’m the girl that’s excited just to stand in front of you. I’m the type of girl who will blush when you like what I say. I’m the girl that sits alone listening to anything at all. I’m the girl who stutters in her speech but can’t put down a pencil. I’m the type of girl to laugh at a joke that she doesn’t understand. I’m the type of girl to make her own fairytale.

I’m the girl that stops for a second to breathe in the fresh air. I’m the type of girl to notice the lonesome dandelion across the way. I’m the type of girl to run outside when she sees the ice cream truck like the child I am. I’m the type of girl to chase her own tail until she finds another to pursue. I’m the type of girl that can’t simply sit on the shore without testing the waters. I’m the type of girl to get inspired by the shell in the sand. I’m the girl that waits for the tide to roll in. I’m the type of girl to run away into the woods screaming and dancing and jumping for joy. I’m the tree that stands so tall but falls with the slightest a breeze. I’m the type of girl who will always scrape her knees. I’m the type of girl who will shut down after I stand up.

I’m the type of girl to stare out her window painting pictures in her mind. No matter how many mistakes I make I’ll walk with my head up knowing I’m going to make more. I’m the girl with her arms crossed and eyes wide open. I’m the girl that daydreams and can never focus on only one thing at once. I’m the girl that will fall up and down the stairs and everywhere in between. I’m the girl that can trace her own path back for a thousand years. I’m the girl that won’t remember what was happening right then and there but will remember the date and time and place in the past and what you said then. I’m the girl that will sing in the shower. I’m the girl that will slip on a bar of soap sitting somewhere over her head. I’m the girl that will get in over her head and like it. I’m the girl to splatter dishwater everywhere. I’m the girl to taste dishes from every country in the world. I’m the girl who will throw on the T-shirts and sneakers and put her hair in pigtails just for kicks. I’m the girl who will use a hairbrush as a microphone. I’m the girl that is too afraid to list her favorite songs to you for a fear that you may not like them too. I am a girl that stands high on the sports scoreboard but always has farther to go. I’m the girl that can’t stand anything less than symmetry and perfection. I’m the girl who will spend hours debating on whether or not her bedroom painting is centered. I’m the girl who views moments in life as a picture perfect painting. I’m the girl that can’t keep a secret because she’s too excited. I’m the girl that you won’t find in the same place ever again.

I’m the girl who thinks she’s weirder than an alien that’s out of this world. I’m the girl who rolls on the floor licking her face over the cheesiest songs. I’m the girl that people look up to but I can’t trust myself. I’m the girl who has no clue what she’s doing but knows where she is going. I’m the girl that has everything she could dream of but throws it out for her own insecurities. I’m the girl that looks confident. I’m the girl that thinks she’s confident. I’m the girl who rarely speaks but tells too much. I’m the girl who can’t tell time when she’s out of line. I’m the girl that will tell you everything then regret it. I’m the girl that’s too afraid to complain if you make her upset. I’m the girl that knocks herself silly over the silliest things. I’m the girl that wants to move on but can’t let go of the past. I’m the girl that will take in your harsh remarks with the beating of her heart.

I’m the girl that has nothing to revolve around. I’m the girl that gravity is pulling down. I’m the girl that can’t hold onto her own frown. I’m the type of girl with walls to be knocked down. I am type of girl to ignore what you say until I believe it. I am the type of girl to break things down until they are plain black and white.

I’m the type of girl to randomly get into drama. I may be the type of girl to stay away from the parties but I stay close to the door. I may be single but I’m holding my own hand. I’m the girl that will kiss you then seal her lips after the fact. I’m the type of girl to lie if you ask if I’m in love. Friends don’t choose boys over friends but I’m the type of girl to let you. I’m the type of girl that stumbles on with shaking hands. I’m the girl that tries to be the sweetest thing in the world then lets herself down. I’m the type of girl that will take things too far then fall too short. I’m the type of girl that misses you even if I say I don’t. My heart breaks for what breaks yours.

RANDOM QUOTE:
"I'm the type of girl that can be so hurt but can still look at you and smile; the type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if I can't brighten my own."

RANDOM ICON:

What's on your mind? I feel like talking.

- Sydney