I wrote this blog post a week or so ago, but I wasn't actually sure if I wanted to post it to on the blog...Sydney read over it though and I was also thinking of how maybe it would be good to post it...I guess if I change my mind later, I can always just delete the post right?...you can do that right?....hmmmm. Well, here it goes....I guess.
So, my school is on thanksgiving break now, but I was thinking about if I should make a post. I’m honestly kinda nervous to write this, but I want to because since I feel like writing what I’m feeling will be good and help me get that I want to not have this feelings in anymore…maybe writing it on the blog will help? I’m not sure...but, here we go..
So, as you know through my blog posts from before, I’m different. As in, I have learning disabilities…and I’ve come to just accept that over the years especially since especially this year I know it’s more obvious to others that I’mnot the same, because I can’t ‘hide’ what I used to be able to…just focusing myself on doing the work in for school is difficult enough to manage.
Some people label me as OCD, ADD, Dyslexic, Slow- Learner, Socially Awkward, and Dumb, among other names…but, the thing that bothers me the most, isn’t the names their using, but the fact that they’re labeling me and sometimes incorrectly, and I know that they don’t really even know me. I mean, passing through the halls and through social media as well like facebook, it’s all around me. I can’t escape it. I know I’m being bullied, but I don’t really know how to deal with it. In my mind, I try to make up excuses for why they say what they say and try to justify it in a sense for my personal sense of peace of mind, but in the end, I know they will continue to say these things and reallythere’s nothing I can do about it. Sure I can complain to my Mom, although even then I don’t think there’s much she could do and plus I’m not really one to just be able to start talking about my problems to her since I know she doesn’trealize how much it’s affecting me and it’s not like she can just make all of this disappear anyways. I feel like I’ve opened up to my teachers about it more then to her…which obviously isn’t as good as going to her, but I feel like at school is where everything is the worst since with how interacting with the other students is.
I wonder if it’s the fact that I distract them in class, so that out of class(when there aren’t teachers there as well) they feel the need to pick on me and put me down with the labels and verbally attacks. Maybe it’s because I’m a easy target. Maybe it’s because I’m a girl. Maybe it’s because I really am dumb. Maybe it’s because I don’t understand as quickly as they do. Maybe it’s because teachers try to help me and spend more time covering a topic then everyone else needs. Maybe it’s because they’re insecure. Maybe it’s because they hate me.Maybe it’s because I’m different…..
Would people even notice if I disappeared?
Looking around me at school, I realize I’m one of the few kids who stands out…notbecause I’m a super-genius, or because I’m the class clown, or because I’mpopular. No—that’s not me. I’m the one that stands out because of all the wrong reasons. Why does everyone seem to hate me? I wish more people would take the time to get to know me like my teachers do and not just stop and stare because I trip up the stairs, or drop all of my books, or can’t open my locker as a Junior. I wish I wish I wish…. If only everything could just stop and my life could be normal.
Why did this happen to me? Why do I have to be different? Don’t I matter to you?
In class a few days ago, I broke down…in front of my teacher. I was absolutely mortified because I told myself in the morning that I was going to have a ‘good’day. You see, I have good days and bad days—days where I don’t have any ‘incidents’versus the days where stuff happens…like where my medicine doesn’t work and everything seems to be out of my control, like when I hear really loud noises and the voices yell at me and I can’t focus, and then I start to blink, and then I can’t stop, and then where I might start crying.
So anyways, my teacher took me outside and since it was right before lunch, she let me stay in her room to eat my lunch…not that I ate anything though. I was really upset and so she just let me cry for a good solid 15 minutes. I was so nervous about what she would say to me, but I’m really glad for her because of how she gave me a hug and was telling me that everything would work out and that the advice from her to why I was important and how I had to not listen to the other kids and that the ‘incidents’ aren’t my fault but that there in my mind that I can’t control. Sometimes, I think my teachers ‘get-me’ more then my own mom. She tries to, but it’s just not the same. My teacher was talking to me and just listening when I had something to say, which was really good since usually no one ever takes the time to listen to me or tries to, but then gives up on me when I can’t explain it so good or they decide they don’t really know how to help me. I think maybe she doesn’t really know how to help me sometimes,but maybe because she sees that I sometimes struggle a lot more than everyone else in class that she understands a little better of what to say?
So anyways, that’s just a lot of random thoughts I’ve had lately and obviously there are more, but I’ll have to write another post since because this one is really long and I’m still not even totally sure about posting this.
Well, I guess that’s all… so many feelings and things on my mind right now.
Quote: "Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."
