Not Good Enough For Me

Sometimes I just wish I had the guts to say “Fuck you” and move on.

But I’m always the one left apologizing. Some people can be total jerks. Yet, I always seem to be stuck with them.

I feel like I’m always trying to prove myself, and I blame myself for nearly everything. I feel like everything is my fault because I feel bad blaming anyone else. I’m my harshest critic. I have to act right and be perfect to feel okay.

I hate crowds. Being ignored makes me uncomfortable, but I settle for it because I don’t want to seem like an attention whore. I’m the one stepping aside to let other people steal the spotlight. After all I don’t want to seem too pushy. I hold myself to the most unreachable standards because I fear I don’t try hard enough. I don’t want to seem lazy, or useless..

Why am I always the doormat? I never feel empowered to speak up for myself. I either say too much, or say too little. Never satisfied.

Maybe I’m nothing. “That girl.” Unimportant.

I know it’s not true… But if I’m not nothing… What am I?

Often times I worry about what people think of me. I let others define me before I define myself and worry that there’s always something wrong. Maybe it’s my mom constantly reminding me to watch my weight. Maybe it’s my friends always moving on. Maybe it’s the people that really don’t give a shit that make me feel like I’m just not worth it. Maybe it’s the constant “I owe yous,” or the many times I’ve heard “I don’t even know yous.” Maybe it’s the world that calls me a bitch, saying I’M the one causing shit.  Cheers! For the times when people call me names and I say “I’m sorry,” the times when my best friend ditches me for my worst enemy and I say “I’m sorry,” the awkward moments when everyone’s having a good time except me but I don’t show it. I’m not “okay,” I’m awful, but I’m still sorry. For the times when some guy from town tries to use me and hurt me, and I say “I’m sorry,” and when I don’t speak up, and do speak up, and either way you’re still upset, “I’m sorry…”

“Let yourself be human, imperfections and all.” I don’t know why it’s so hard to accept this.

I never tell this to anyone…

 -Sydney

RANDOM QUOTE: “I wish I was a white crayon so nobody would use me.”

RANDOM ICON:

Nonchalance and an Awkward Response

I think it’s weird when you encounter someone once and all of a sudden they expect you to say hi to them every time you see them. Some people just can’t think of a good way to get to know someone without being awkward. It’s funny how this particular relationship turned out. It can be quite a mystery game…

“Put on a shirt you w****,” yelled one of the soccer girls as the football players walked out of the locker room. He walked directly towards her and I was sitting beside her as well.

“Don’t you know how f****** hot it is? Oh yeah you don’t because you’ve never had to wear pads,” he replied. Meanwhile I’m trying to avoid probable embarrassment in front of the entire football team so I just mind my own business and put my soccer gear on and say hi to a couple boys on the team. He just continues to act like that same old popular guy, talking to all of my friends, and all of his friends, right in front of my face. Then he decided to say hello. “Hey, Sydney! Sup?” He walked around to the other side of me and continued to talk to his friends while I slowly but happily said hi.

My ears began to block out what was happening right then, but somehow a few minutes later I heard a voice. “She won’t lie to me.” I recognized the voice as his and turned to see him kneeling in front of me with his back facing me. “Can you read what it says on the back of my neck?” Suddenly I stopped. Now I’m no genius but from what I figure they spent a good few minutes talking about what some other popular fool wrote on this fool’s neck and he totally used a sly move to involve me in the conversation. We’re talking about a guy who hardly gets the chance to say hello to me on a daily basis. I must say, it was pretty clever of him to say that, considering he chose not to just ignore me, but somehow the awkwardness got to me.

All I could speak was, “um… okay…” as the other students shouted out what was written. It obviously wasn’t anything special, just a heart and a few letters. I just couldn’t believe what I had gotten into. My friends had brought him close by for friend like reasons and he stayed there building up the courage to talk to me. Ha?

Too bad it didn’t last. Not that I care. That’s when practice started.

At the end of practice, everyone had cleared out and I was the only one left in the parking lot waiting for my ride. But then I saw it walk out of the locker room and towards a door to the school that was a good 20 yards behind me. I knew he was going to walk in it. And he did. But he saw me. And I saw him (he doesn’t know that). He turned around.

I felt it coming. It was creeping up behind me in that nonchalant way. And I finally turned my head to sneak a quick peak. It leaned on the fence beside me. I almost died laughing but hid it with a sweet smile and shy look in the other direction, almost rolling my eyes. But it’s a proud thing. He has the guts to do that, and carry on with a curious conversation. Even more hilarious is that awkward moment when you have to leave and he goes back to where he was headed before leaving you to realize that he had come over playing “the cool dude” card just to talk to you.

Well, I obviously can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve even arranged my routine to fit yours so I could see you more. I get frustrated when we don’t speak, and I get frustrated when we do ‘cause I never say what I’d like to. But it feels different. I don’t get all tingly when I think about you. My heart doesn’t race. I do however smile with wide eyes and a dropping jaw ‘cause I’m in awe of what I’m feeling, but I can’t put a name to it. I feel like we’re just strangers with the constant chance to wink and say hello.

RANDOM QUOTE: "Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself."

RANDOM ICON:


Because my name is... <3
-Sydney

First Day of School

Welcome back world,

My first day of school was a little chaotic. It was no surprise considering no day is normal for me.

First of all, I happen to be a genius when it comes to anonymous texting. Now walking in the hallways being greeted by 50 people who you’ve been pranking throughout the entire summer without giving away your identity makes it a little hard to keep a straight face especially when you hardly ever get that many people to notice you in the first place. Meanwhile I’m running around the hallways with my soccer stuff on and banging on my locker to get it open after 10 tries, throwing things all over the floor. Wow crazy. But if there’s anything you can learn about me it’s that I AM crazy. And I like it. However, I always run around with a smile on my face. Fun times.

But school isn’t all fun in games. I got homework on the first day -_-. What kind of cruel, heartless teacher would do that? A male one. HA! Okay I’m not trying to be stereotypical or rude here but it’s true, he was a guy.

Even weirder, after so many days of ignoring MCSG, I find out he has the same lunch as me. Again. And he literally stared at me the whole time with those beaming eyes and his head leaning on his hand. What’s weird is this “Mr. Popular” can talk to so many girls straight up (while being all flirty and leaning against the lockers) but he can only bring himself to give me a quick toothless smile and a wave after all this time (which I unfortunately could not avoid so I waved back). That was after school, and after avoiding the “guy move/sideways head turn” at me, the smiling, the staring, and the walking right past you in the hallway while you flirt with all the other jocks incident. What is it with jocks? MCSG, the football player, should tell us cause that’s literally the only people he talks to. That’s so cliché of popular cliques. I’m so screwed. You see, the problem is, I don’t know if I hate having MCSG around O_O. One of my friends thinks “he totally likes me” and said “awe Sydney! You like him!” Do not.

            “I deny that possibility.” - Me

“It’s 100% impossible that that could even be possible.” – Me

Major *Sigh* moment: I spot a super cute boy. He looks back and I shy away. He noticed me! I look again and we meet eyes for just a second. Later, I walk by him and he walks right on through, without a care in the world, as if I didn't exist and I'm "just that girl" again. 

Anyways that’s a basic update. I’ll post again when I get my creative juices flowing and my mind out of the “Sunday Lazy Day” mode. Welcome back to fall as we leave the summer sun behind and move into the cold season.

RANDOM QUOTE: "Sometimes I wonder what you think of me or if you think of me at all."

RANDOM ICON:

-Sydney

The Ugly Truth

Would you rather I be mad because I know the truth, or be mad because I don’t? Would you rather I be mad for you not telling the truth or someone else be mad because you did?

It sucks when life brings you to a point when it’s time to choose between your best friends. It sucks when life brings you to a point where you can’t trust the one’s you’ve trusted most all the times before.

There is no, “it all depends.” You’ve got to choose left or right and live with that decision for the rest of your life without turning back.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

How does this relate to me? Well, you see, I have a group of a few close mutual friends at school. Unfortunately, where there is a “group” there is secrets because often times everyone talks behind your backs. What’s even worse is making a promise to keep a secret, especially when you absolutely can’t keep them. Promises are most often broken. You can easily see how this could lead into what I was just saying about choosing between friends. I agree with Sadie. 1) Why do people make promises they can’t keep? 2) Some things just push you over the edge and 3) Crying helps. Who wouldn’t cry if you and your best friends were slowly splitting apart? Even worse, they might be taking your other friends with them.

All I wanted was some answers and a little less “Drama Queen.”

To continue…

There’s this boy, right? Of course ;). Said boy doesn’t like to make himself clear. Ask him anything!

Question: How are you?

Answer: I don’t know.

Question: Are you okay?

Answer: Maybe.

Question: So anything exciting happen today?

Answer: I guess.

Question: Do you like ____?

Answer: I don’t want to answer that.

Question: Why won’t you answer that question?

Answer: I don’t know.

Question: Do you seriously want me to be mad at you for not answering me?

Answer:

(Later that day)

Question: Hey what’s up?

Answer: Are you seriously wearing those shoes…?

Dot dot dot…

Boy likes girl. Girl is SO oblivious. Girl likes to talk about how girls like boy. Boy likes to disagree. Boy says more boys like girl than girls like boy. Confused yet? Anyways, it just so happens that this boy is right. More boys like this girl than girls like that boy.

Question: So do you REALLY think more boys like her?

Answer: Well, yeah, considering I’m one of them.

Question: WHAT? Are you kidding me?! I thought you were over this!

Answer: Yeah… Why are you mad?

Question: Seriously? Because you like her and didn’t tell me and it’s really dumb that…

Answer: I never said that! What are you talking about?!

Anyways… point proven.

BOYS LESSON #7: ANSWER. Don’t just be difficult. It’s really annoying.

The Ugly Truth is that... the old truth is the new lie...

RANDOM QUOTE: “Best friends listen to what you don’t say.”

RANDOM ICON:

-Sydney

Definitions

To someone in this small world:

I’m not going to accept anyone’s definition of me.

I define myself.

If I want to be weird, I’ll be weird. If I want to look ugly, I’ll look ugly. If I want to go crazy, I’ll go crazy. If I want to dance, for goodness sake, I’m going to dance!

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s labels.

If you say shame on me for not wearing a skirt, then I’ll say shame on you for not wearing pants.

You see, for all you know, you’re all ugly, and I’m the only one who’s pretty.

Opinions are just opinions.

You don’t have the right to make up the definition of beauty.

But, you know, it’s okay to be ugly. In fact, I want to be ugly! It means I’m different than what your imagination says I should look like. It means I’m cool enough to not fit under one mind’s categorization.

Different is good.

I’m beautiful in my own way.

Life is, after all, a very small world.

If I bore you, find someone interesting to talk to.

If I annoy you, there are plenty of “normal” people in this world.

But you know what?

Normal is overrated.

Normal is basic.

Normal isn’t exciting.

Normal isn’t different! It’s BORING.

So if that’s what you’re looking for, then find another girl, because you’re looking at a girl who’s half alien and half bullfighter tough (and that comes with a side of utter bull crap).

Think I’m full of BS? “I do get called b**** a lot. What I do NOT get called is pushover, stupid, sweetheart, dear, or doormat. Works for me.”

You think I’m weird? I think what you mean is I need to watch what I say because I’ll get showed you up one day.

When you see me on the big screen, you’ll see what I mean.

So if you call me quiet, I’ll be loud.

If you call me ugly, oh snap ;) I’ll show you kick butt beautiful because I’m not going to live up to your expectations.

I’m going to shake things up and be surprising and spastic.

Different.

I’ll be myself, that is, exactly who you think I’m not. You don’t know me.

I bet you don’t know me.

I’m sick of hearing people judging. I’ll admit, I judge too, even to my best friends. It just helps to vent your feelings to someone sometimes and it’s extremely hard to resist. But gossip spreads like wild fire. And as you know, one wild fire, takes a whole lot of firefighters to put out, and the damage is still left behind. I think this is why I keep so many journals. Some are to vent about my personal life, and even sometimes I write down my feelings about others, just so I know I can still make out the words without adding fuel to the fire. It’s really a great hobby and definitely calms the emotions. If you don’t keep journals, I’d recommend it! It’s not silly, or weird, or girly. It’s just being you :).

When it comes to looks, I think it’s much more rewarding to focus on the attractive and beautiful attributes instead of the negative ones. In an attempt to become better at doing this, I decided to make a list of beautiful things:

Sparkling eyes,                                                                      

Smiles,

Dimples,

Freckles,

Sleek and shiny hair,

Gloriously pale or tan skin,

Long eyelashes,

Groomed eyebrows,

Bone structure,

Painted nails,

Cute birth marks,

A facial expression,

Healthiness,

Luscious lips,

Contrasting colors,

The way one walks,

Belly buttons,

Smooth skin,

Soft hands or cheeks.

I could go on forever. Any other ideas for you, world?

I challenge myself to change any desire to insult someone into a precious compliment that will make that person’s day. If you’re a victim or a judger yourself, I challenge you to do the same. If you find yourself thinking, “Eww, this person is just not attractive,” compliment them instead. Having troubles thinking of a compliment? Don’t lie. Think of the little things about them that make that person special. Do something nice for someone. Help them with their books, hold a door open for someone, or just smile and say hello. It’s the little things that count, especially when big gestures aren’t always possible to do. Spread the joy.

RANDOM QUOTE: “I believe in the ugly truth rather than the beautiful lie.”

RANDOM ICON:

Loves, hugs, and happiness,

- Sydney

Random Rambles

'Ello World,

Today we had registration for high school. So I went to the school, met up with friends, blah blah blah, completely ignored MCSG (if you didn't read my previous post this stands for Mr. Creepy Stalker Guy) when he tried to catch my attention... Okay hold up.

BOYS LESSON #4: Personally, if I see you do any of the following in an obvious attempt to get me to notice you I will see your obvious signs of interest (unless I'm being a normal girl/guy who can't (ever ever) take hints which is often) crack up laughing and/or think you're a creeper and/or totally see right through your tendency to "play it cool" (which by the way is SO annoying): a) roll around on a chair with wheels screaming, "WHEE!" b) saying hi to a group of friends I'm in that you've never met in your life, c) SHOUT SUPER LOUDLY ABOUT YOUR PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS FROM ALL THE WAY OVER THERE! ! ! d) stand 3 inches away from myface while dramatically staring into my eyes for 20 seconds, e) pull off the old fashioned sideways head turn directly towards me, f) etc. So if you're trying to pass unnoticed, don't do these things haha.

BOYS LESSON #5: If we girls pretend to not notice you and are successful, we win. No if, ands, or buts. So, either boldly run up and directly to our face say "Hey ___(insert name)__!" to get our attention or back off, you lose, and you are only making a fool of yourself by stalking us. (In my opinion of course)

Anyways, I've been going to rigorous soccer tryouts this week, and I just signed up for my dance lessons and a trapeze lesson this weekend. I'm excited! As far as school goes, and summer coming to an end... Well, I still have a week to live like a princess.

I feel like taking life as it comes is much easier.

BOYS LESSON #6: We girls have a right to act like a princess with these conditions: It's our birthday, we are playing pretend, we are in our own little world, and if you're being a jerk. Ha, well, we should be able to anyways.



So school starts in a week for me and guess what? I haven't even started my back to school shopping! There's one advantage to this: Waiting until after school starts to shop means that you hit all of the sales. But unfortunately I only have about 3 new outfits to wear for the first week of school. Don't ask why there is so much pressure to always have new clothes at least at the beginning of school. Apparently... Welcome to High School. We should really rebel against this.

Hey so turns out, I've already started to make a new identity for myself (as far as attitude and... well you know how people classify you in cliques at school? I've just dodged that train). I thought it would be so much more difficult. I just like shaking things up. So generally, I always strive for a new outlook/inlook (is that what they say when somebody is looking at you instead of you looking at the world?). The only bad part about this is many people struggle to figure out if I'm really acting like my true self or just being a little bit different.

And here's a little something I made. Originally I think I was going to use it to cover my binder for school but I decided I didn't want the world to see me as emo (which I must say this isn't a pleasant read). But you can look at it of course!


OH. Originally I was going to make a word art picture of the lyrics to a Taylor Swift song but I got sick of working so I put in different words. This is why you see the words Innocent and Haunting (Innocent and Haunted being 2 of her songs). Speaking of Taylor Swift, her concert is coming up and I finally found a buddy to go with. Yay! 

RANDOM QUOTE: "If we go to school to learn, and knowledge is power, and power is corrupt, and corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay then why the heck do we go to school?!"

RANDOM ICON:

And yes, my next post won't be so random/weird/annoying/totally unplanned. :D.

- Sydney

THE ADVENTURES OF BOO BOO BUNNY

World,

I would like you to meet Boo Boo Bunny...

And in the end, Boo Boo Bunny comes out on top of the world once again. Poor Duck. Evil Boo Boo Bunny.

RANDOM QUOTE: "I wonder what the poor bunnies are doing this season."

RANDOM ICON:

Mr. Creepy Stalker Guy

Salutations to the intergalactic space aliens from out of this world and our own humanity universally known as the world itself,

       I watched Transformers: Dark of the Moon recently (recently meaning about a month ago). But besides that, I have to say I'm a huge fan of their soundtrack which I was listening to just moments ago. The movie was great. At the beginning of the movie as I was watching it I was very confused and thought it was moving very slowly, but as the movie progressed and expecially at the very end, I thought, "Dang this is so tight!" Long story short, I decided that when I grow up I will be Sam.
       However, today I went to the 2 dollar theater to see X-Men First Class. It was great! (And most of the actors were from my Celebrity HOT! list!) The whole night before, after I planned to go with my friend to the movies the next day, for some odd reason, I was thinking about Mr. Creepy Stalker Guy randomly showing up and scaring the crap out of me. He's the guy from my school that I told you about. Well, turns out I had nothing to worry about--until later that night... -insert dramatic tension-

       He showed up at my soccer practice! I couldn't believe it! I hadn't seen him since the last day of school, and didn't expect to even though I was freaking myself out about the possibility of seeing him over the summer (which was less than a 0% chance so I thought).
       There I was, picking up soccer balls at the end of practice and he was sitting on the side of the hill. I could feel his head shifting in my direction. The worst part was knowing that he didn't know which soccer team I played for, let alone when and where we practiced. Talk about run for your life! Now I'm even more nervous to see him on the first day of 11th grade! Lucky for me, he left before we had the chance to approach each other. That was scary too because he literally disappeared in the blink of an eye. It made me wonder if I was just dillusional, but I know I didn't drink any hot chocolate (I swear!) so I'm good. I'm scared for my life! Is he going to hurt me or am I just that interesting to be around/stare at at all times? Either way, I have an ultimate mission to avoid him.
       Dear Mr. Creepy Stalker Guy,
                     What do you want from me?!

       Watch out! He's got eyes like laser beams and a touch like frost bite. He'll be stalking you on facebook through the end of the night. He's Mr. Creepy Stalker Guy, and he's going to be here everyday for the next 2 years...

Here's what you'll need for school:
P.S. "The best way to deal with a stalker is by stalking him/her yourself" - Me
1. Mirror spy glasses
2. A boyfriend (or at least an imaginary one ;) hehe)
3. An escape route
4. A buddy to accompany you at all times
5. A cell phone for emergency purposes
6. A reason why you can't give him your phone number/go on a date with him
7. A trench coat just to look cool
8. Music
9. A video camera
10. A vicious police guard dog
11. A wig
12. Binoculars (enjoy using these at school assemblies to keep an eye on MCSG (Mr. Creepy Stalker Guy))
13. Walkie talkies
14. An air horn
15. Silly string (my most prized weapon of mass destruction)

       Now you will be set to avoid any mysterious activity from your creepy spytech starstruck large-pupiled freaky mind-boggling unavoidable stalkenemy... if you could only throw him out of your very own mind... -throws imaginary image of MCSG into an imaginary trash can- Wouldn't it be so much easier to just own Bumblebee from Transformers to protect you from MCSG at all times? Or to have a mutant body gaurd from X-Men?

- Sydney (hereby applying for an alien protector)

RANDOM QUOTE: "If I know I have everything prepared for when I get killed by a stalker, then I can go to sleep."

RANDOM ICON:

Day... I Mean End to a Week Gone Bad

Good evening world,

Today I was volunteering all day, working at a concessions stand to help out and make money for the football team. Boy was today just another hassle to my already awful week. Just yesterday I had gotten into a fight with my parents that was really all a misunderstanding, but since no one could stop yelling random crap and “Go to your room,” so that nobody could explain their side of the story, it lasted a lot longer than it should have and was much more painful. But that was settled. Anyways, today I first arrived to help out and see all of the other workers and a few football players there. I’d be lying to say that my first thought wasn’t, “DANG, these boys aren’t even cute.” I know, I know, I’m such a girl. But I was looking forward to some conversation! Shocking coming from me, eh? Turns out these boys were the shyest football players you’d ever meet. They hardly said a word. However, the head coach is… well, yum. O_o I’m sorry but he is and I don’t care if that’s weird. Also, everyone there was like so big and so tall compared to me (And I'm not exactly short) so it was a little intimidating. Well, I was shockingly disappointed within a few moments…

“Ms. You got black pants?”

“These ARE black…”

“Go to the Salvation Army and buy some black pants or you can’t work.”

WOW.

I’ll have you know… people were wearing jeans! And my pants were totally black! So there started an adventure to… Woo! The Salvation Army! And I will never wear those black pants again in my entire life. Then they gave me a hassle about not being allowed to bring bags to work so the workers really started getting on my nerves. We started making food and soon enough we were handing out hotdogs and other crap. BELIEVE ME IT'S CRAP. Never eat concession food again! NASTY! I almost puked. And it was sooooo hot! And we got sooooo dirty (I don’t usually mind dirty but I felt gross in what I was wearing already). And it was boring! To top it all off, I swear the football players hardly even worked. I was doing everything (P.S. it’s not even my football team). Now I’m not saying I’m not a cheerful volunteer, but dude. It was a bad setting. Long story short, we stood next to trash on the way out that smelt so bad I could pass out, walked next to smokers for a good half hour (in that time I still hadn't unplugged my nose from the trash so i wasn't breathing properly for a good couple hours (including gasping for breath in the hot kitchen)), I got home, ate another bad cut of meat JUST like yesterday, got sick, tried to fix my fried hair (from working in the hot kitchen all day) with deep conditioner, and problems got worse with my friends. Yay!

And now I would like to dedicate a paragraph to me rambling on about friends who let you go then come back for more and repeat the cycle over and over and over giving the constant “I’m sorry it won’t happen again” message (Taylor Swift – You’re Not Sorry is what I’m thinking of). And yes, once again I found myself browsing the internet for quotes about how I’m feeling and listening to those sad and I’m so mad kind of songs. Hate the feeling, love the inspiration. For the sake of this blog (and as you may have noticed before) I don’t go into a lot of background and detail with things I’m going through, but I simply stick to the emotions. Here goes:

Don’t tell me how wonderful your new best friend is. Don’t tell me how life is so amazing now. You told me that if things weren’t different then I could leave, so show me the door, girl. Show me the door. “Drama’s for movies, not reality.” Now if you’re going to get mad at me for your hypocritical actions then talk to the wrist, because you’re officially dissed. I gave you 2, 3, 4, a thousand chances and you still blow it. Go ahead and tell all of “our” friends! “Haters are going to hate, baby.” And don’t act like I’m the bad guy here who just lost you because you didn’t even have me as a friend for a while now.

“Sweetie, if you’re going to be two-faced at least make one of them pretty :).”

“When people you don’t even know hate you, you know you’re the best. <3”

“No more games, no more drama. When you want to be real, give me a holla.”

“Lately I have to watch what I say. You take things personal nowadays. You used to laugh and now you get mad… dang I want my best friend back.”

“The more friends you have, the more problems there will be, because everyone that’s a part of your life talks crap when you can’t see.”

“Friendship isn’t about whom you have known the longest. It’s about who came and never left your side.”

RANDOM QUOTE: … - Anonymous

RANDOM ICON:

-Sydney

Drama That You'd Never Tell Your Momma

Hey World,

           

            I feel like my last post was a little weird somehow. But here’s another one that you might be able to relate to a little more. I titled it "Drama That You'd Never Tell Your Momma" because if your mom is anything like mine, she just doesn't understand this kind of girl stuff and if you tell her it will be more like an interogation and "YOU NEED TO DO THIS UGH" then a "oh honny I'm sorry" kind of discussion.

It can be hard to avoid drama with your friends sometimes. What I’ve been going through with my friends is much like a jigsaw puzzle. I’ve been going through a similar thing to what Sadie is going through about her friend ignoring her and not wanting to be friends anymore, except multiple friends are against me. It’s like because of one person, everyone turned against me. It was one person who shared everything I told her to all of my friends (while juicing up the story a little) to make it seem like I was a bad person, my best friend, that did this.

I’m just going to talk about a few little things that burst into a really big deal. This isn’t the full story, as you might be able to tell, but I’m focusing on little details that actually made a big impact on our emotions.

Here’s the bottom line, don’t tell your best friends that you think you’re being replaced and then later tell them that you are now spending more time with someone else. That’s what she did to me and it’s just not cool.

I hate how I shared something special with every single one of my friends, whether that be an inside joke, being the first to know each other in a group of friends, a plan to go on vacation together, communication through email unlike everyone else, or a blog like me and Sadie (who is the only person I’ve ever had a blog with :D), and now it’s not special anymore because each friend spoiled the secrets and gave that special something to someone else too. What hurt me a lot was a friend who I was “twins” with. She became “twins” with my other best friend who happened to be the “best friend” that had complained about me replacing her (which I never did by the way. It was just a rumor that was spread, which is another thing I hate about high school and gossip and teens because they are rarely true and totally break everything apart (another main reason why I’m going through what I’m going through is the spreading of rumors)) and then turned many of my friends against me and replaced me in return. Then another friend starts talking to the person they used to hate when I was friends with them because the “hater” hated me and they became best friends (I hope I’m not confusing you too much with all of the people involved). So all my friends turned against me and we have nothing special anymore and my worst enemies are now friends with my ex friends. Now I’m left with just the memory and everyone is ticked off at me. For life.

A while ago I had my 16^th birthday. One of these so called friends of mine had been ignoring me for quite some time, and this person knew it was my birthday because everyone spread the news, yet this person didn’t say happy birthday to me. Go figure. Now I’m not going to complain about a simple happy birthday but even if this person had told me happy birthday, it’s not like I would think they are trying to be friends with me again. It’s just a nice and unexpected thing to do that would have made me feel really good, especially when all of my other so called friends said happy birthday. Besides, birthdays are supposed to be special and full of surprises. But hey, welcome to high school, where it is absolutely impossible to get around without running into someone you know, as you see them in the halls and classroom all the time, making it extremely obvious that you’re being ignored.

There was another friend that had stopped talking to me as well. Months and months and months had passed and then finally she decided to send me a message forward. After that I got another message saying, “sorry I was really bored XD.” How am I supposed to respond to that after such a long time of not speaking to each other? I was extremely hesitant to respond. All I could think of was that she used me as a second choice to talk to when she was “bored” but she couldn’t be there for the past who knows how many days. All of a sudden, after such a long time, if you decide to talk and expect me to open up like we are still the best BESTEST friends ever, I won’t be quite sure what to do. In fact I’ll be speechless. Yes, it’s a fact that time passing does help the healing process, and it takes time to earn trust back once it’s broken, but how can you trust a person you haven’t spoken to for so long? Who knows what happened to them and what they’ve been talking about. What you do is give a little bit of space then start being there for that person and proving you’re trustworthy again, not just completely let that person loose and come back sometime in the future saying, “HIYA BUDDY!”

I know that my friends talk about me, because once in a while I will get a message asking a question about something and I ask why they want to know and they say they were talking about me, but it just hurts being so isolated just because I actually know what’s going on as they are ignoring me. I know exactly what has happened.

Well, if friends can be a jigsaw puzzle, being “more than just in the friend zone” is a hassle. 2000+ years together, and boys and girls still aren’t on the same page. Sigh.

FLASH BACK

On the last day of school, I recall running into a guy who I barely knew. He was one of those guys that you catch their eye one day and then next thing you know you say hi to each other every day but never really talk to. So he said, “hey Sydney,” as usual with those big beaming eyes and a nice smile, yet in that awkward O_O and :D at the same time kind of way (kind of like those moments when you realize you are right next to your crush with that weird, happy, and tense feeling) so that you could tell he was nervous for some reason. I said hi back, but then he did two really strange things. A) He said (in a really hyper RAWR kind of way) “I’m going to hug you,” and B) are you going to be here next year? Well, maybe these aren’t THAT strange but first of all, that is the most awkward way to get a hug in the entire universe.

BOYS LESSON #1: Don’t ask for hugs. You just let it happen in the spur of the moment, especially if you hardly know that person. I mean if they are sad or extremely shy or something you can politely ask, “would you like a hug,” or “can I hug you?” But otherwise it’s just awkward…

Second of all, what’s it to you if I don’t come back? I should have said I wasn’t coming back, because then what? You ask for some way to contact me? I’m sure you’re thinking I’m acting a little weird for him just trying to be friendly, but this particular guy didn’t have a phone, and I didn’t have a facebook, so there was absolutely no way of contact anyways, AND I didn’t know who the heck this guy was. To me he’s a stranger that by some odd chance goes to my school.

Anyways, that same day, another guy told one of my friends that she looked fat in her outfit. How rude.

BOYS LESSON #2: If a girl asks if she looks fat, she either really thinks she might look fat and trusts your opinion, or she wants to know how you think she looks and wants to hear you say, “no you look great.” Many guys have told me that there is no real good answer to this question, but there is. You either A) use BOYS LESSON #3 which I will list in a second, or B) say she looks fine/good/great/beautiful/etc. Whether it’s hard to believe or not, some girls don’t actually know if they should be content with their weight, and some just want to know what YOU think is a perfect weight, so don’t say, “ugh. Why do all skinny girls have to ask if they are fat? They already know they are skinny.” On the other hand, some girls can be a little obsessive and/or needy when they ask these questions so watch out.

BOYS LESSON #3: ALL insults shall be worded as compliments. For example, “I think what you are wearing is nice, but I REALLY loved the outfit you wore the other day.” If you word it like that, cooties to you, respect for you, and we will appreciate it because if there’s one thing I know, girls love hearing your opinions even if it doesn’t seem like it. In fact, many girls search for your opinions.

That’s all that’s on my mind right now about boys though, so tune in for more in upcoming posts!

RANDOM QUOTE: “Life becomes so much better when you decide not to care. Just live in the moment and don’t let the drama bring you down.”

RANDOM ICON:

-Sydney

Why I Am NOT Looking Forward to High School

To the world,

So I had an eye exam today and it’s official. I’m .5 nearsighted. Now that’s not bad, but it means I need to wear glasses sometimes during school. That will definitely take some getting used to. I tried on some glasses at the eye place today and I’m already frustrated with what they look like on me. Why should I care as long as I can see though, right? But my eyes hurt so badly right now because they dilated them.

I’ve never really been content with complaining, at least to a specific audience that is. But sometimes it’s nice to let out a little “juice.” So grab your straws, world! I swear I will be in a better mood sometime at the end.

“I walked inside a crowded room, and all I saw was me.

I was a ghost and everything around me seemed still as can be.

I heard whispers of, “who is she,” and “what’s she doing here?”

Meanwhile all I that I could think of was how to disappear.”

            - I wrote that one day when I was walking around the school. People didn’t have a clue who I was and I could care less to tell them.

I used to think that nobody ever noticed me. Maybe it was that way before, until I started showing off my own personality and flare in the simplest ways. Now I understand that people do notice me, but they just do not know me. It’s like my identity is simply having no identity. Sometimes I feel like I’m afraid to speak up in high school, just as I’d rather perform in front of thousands of people I do not know than in front of my school friends. There’s just something about school that feels more like work and like you can’t be yourself and be open because of the pressure put on you to blend in with society and peer pressure to be just like everyone else.

            I usually end up grabbing hold of two titles. One, which you already know about, is “quiet” and the other is “weird.” Do you ever feel like people just aren’t giving you the chance to let others get to know you? That and, people can be so consumed in other things that they don’t care to listen and get to know you. Immediately you get a feeling of distance from your classmates.

I was just reading through my journals. A few months ago I wrote to myself, “sometimes it’s like you feel so much that you can’t write or talk about it and you feel bottled up.” Yet, I try to explain.

You know what scares me and/or bothers me about high school? Maybe this is just another “diary of a shy girl,” but here are a few things:

1.    Lots of people, lots of people you don’t know, and even worse, people you don’t know even though they know you. O_O

2.    If you screw something, you live with it and see it every day for 4 years.

3.    People are way too involved with their little cliques.

- At my school we have several cliques: The ASB, and the popular kids that if you talk to them and you aren’t in their group or don’t have a connection (such as knowing a friend from a sport or activity) they will stomp on you like a little bug (not to be sexist. But it’s usually the guys that do this) yet please note not everyone is like this, but many are (stereotypes). Then there’s the “nerds,” or the people in the advanced level classes that never seem to branch out, the nerds that eat lunch in teachers’ classrooms, and the other cliques I don’t seem to know much about, like the “emos,” “skaters,” and what I like to call, “The Musicless Boy Bands.” But anyways, it’s tough knowing that everything is in its own little place and change isn’t an option.

4.    School work, tests, grades. Enough said.

5.    There’s this guy. I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty afraid of him. He’s so intimidating and he totally stalks me. He stares at me like a creeper. I mean it’s one thing to catch someone’s eyes for a minute or catch a look directly in the eyes and see their eyes sparkle and smile at me, but when you blankly stare at me for more than 10 seconds I start to get worried. Do I have something on my face? Are you plotting to come and hurt me? Just as bad, are you going to ask me to the homecoming dance? Well maybe it’s just me but I don’t want to go to the dance with a creep who I barely know.

Those are just the things on my mind right now. You know what also bugs me? Friends that seem so uninterested in a conversation and making me do all the work to keep it alive. Sure it can be a back and forth thing with who leads but don’t make the effort so one-sided. I say something and get an, "lol........" or an, "um...okay," and it’s like I said something really weird or bad and you're avoiding me. Sometimes we say those things, yes, but if you do it all the time, and I mean ALL THE TIME, eventually I’m just going to get sick of talking to you if you keep doing so. Lately I’ve gotten SO used to one-sided relationships. It’s so bad these days. I’d be utterly impressed if someone could prove me wrong right about now and put forth some effort. Typical high school lazy friends.

So now that I’m thinking about homecoming, what if you DON’T want to go to the dance with someone who asks you? What do you say?

Ideas for how to turn down a homecoming date:

1.    I promised to go with my friends.

2.    I already have a date.

3.    I have plans for that night with my family/friends/a date/dinner out (anything you can think of)

4.    I’m sorry, I was waiting for someone else to ask, but I can save you a dance.

Do you have any more ideas? Just remember, lying can lead to troubles. Just be honest when saying no in the kindest way possible and things should turn out fine. And don’t EXPECT whoever asks you to be “fine.” They will probably be a little hurt or embarrassed at first.

On the contrary, there are some things I am looking forward to about high school. One is meeting up with friends, and another is BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING! Yeah… that’s pretty much it. Care to share what is exciting and worrying you about the upcoming school year?

                                                                To my dearest Sadie:

                           (Note me making fun of the fact that

                           I have to wear glasses at school next year)

RANDOM QUOTE: “I had my share, blinked away the tears, and now I’m over it.”

RANDOM ICON:

-Sydney