It Got Me Thinking...

Hey Everyone.
So, I started reading this book called "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons and it got me thinking about just how mean girls can be...but, yet that passive agressive behavior is often overlooked especially when it's mixed in with the physical agression typicaly seen from boys. This is something I often find myself thinking about especially now with high school. Not to often, but often enough, I'll find myself in the middle of a conversation that's completely gossip. Yeah I'll admit it, sometimes it's fun to vent to a friend about how much you hate this one teacher, or this peer that just won't stop doing something that's totally frustrating you, or about that one time when your sibling made you want to kill them....but, quite often, that 'vent' session will turn into gossip and before you can do anything to stop it, the conversation topics spread to just about everyone and almost always leave a victim. I would know..trust me.
At anyrate, I get that it can be fun to gossip a little bit with friends at lunch, before/after school, or on the weekends...but, I just hate how in those moments when I do find myself laughing at a mean joke that's been made and realize that I'm NOT just laughing along with everyone else to fit in..but, that I truly did find something funny in what was being said about that person or group of people. It's frustrating to me when other students gossip and when I find myself in a 'gossip session' because of the lack of self-confidence that I have in myself to be able to stan up to my friends or any other group of people talking about someone else behind their back and spreading rumors. Don't get me wrong, I do realize that a lot of times the rumors start out as truths...but, through exageration and the rush people get from being in the 'know' about who did what, where, and how....it will quite fast become a rumor and completely untrue. It's kinda like that game called telephone that we all played as kids...where one person would start with a word, it would be passed around the circle of people through whispering in ears, and by the end wouldn't be at all what the initial word was. Things happen that skew the truth and change the meaning of something that was said or that happened. That's part of the passive agression that teen girls become part of.
I don't know where exactly I stand when it comes to gossip because on one hand I know I'm totally against it...but, the I realize that I have inded been part of the problem of gossiping with friends, and I feel like a hypocrite saying that I'm totally against it 100%. On the other hand, I realize how mean and problematic it is, and that makes me think that it's okay to take that initial stand because of my UNDERSTANDING of it and how I try my very best to not get involved with those conversations...even though it's sometimes unavoidable. And lets be honest here, who doesn't want to be in the 'know' when it comes to all of the latest happenings regarding school life, teachers, peers, etc... I know I sure want to be.
It's such a hard topic, because we all find ourselves (yes, boys included) gossiping about someone else at one point or another...even if we don't want to actually admit that...but, at the same time everyone who's ever been 'targeted' and has experienced the emotional pain/what it does to your self esteem will understand why it's such a major problem.
I feel like for girls especially it's difficult because of how girls as a whole will use ways such as gossip to passively 'attack' someone they don't like...with their target usually being another peer that's female. One of the hardest parts about gossip is the fact that you never really know WHO started the rumor, and in a sense it creates a 'break' in your sense of security with your peers and you find that you can't fully trust anyone. That's the worst feeling to have when you wake up every morning knowing you're going to go spend the day at school with all of those people.
I'm not really sure where I wanted to go with this post...but this is just something that the book got me really thinking about again. So, I thought, why not make a post about it?
Sorry if it's a bit rambly or hard to follow of my thoughts...I just wanted to get my ideas/thoughts written down.
Thanks for reading! :)
-Sadie

Here's a quote from "Odd Girl Out" to end with:
"Within the hidden culture of agression, girls fight with body language and relationships instead of fists and knives. In this world, friendship is a weapon, and the sting of a shout pales in comparison to a day of someone's silence. There is no gesture more devastating than the back turning away."
(Simmons, pg. 3)

Summer 2011

Hi everyone,

So, for me summer is coming to a close. I have just over 10 days left...and I know it's going to fly by soo fast. :( I find it strange how school always seems to creep up on me and ALWAYS towards the end of summer I realize just how much I still had planned to do slash..still have to do before summer officially ends. It's quite a scary thought to think about not having enough time to finish everything, but I guess that's part of the feeling the end of summer is supposed to give you; you're supposed to feel sad it's over but at the same time, look forward to the 1st week..okay, maybe day...of school where you get to see friends and find out which teachers you have and who has classes with you!! Registration is always the day when I reflect on my summer..in a sense. and since that was today for me, I guess this blog post is right on time...ya know? :)

This summer has had it's ups and downs....as any time period would. Probably my favorite summer 2011 memory will have been SeaCamp, although just overall not having the stress of school/homework/tests was definitely fantastic as well :) The 'low' of my summer would have been family issues, the week when my dog was superrr sick and I was worried he might die, and then obviously the whole friend issue with 'Sara'. I'll start with the lows...
1. family issues...I feel like that's self-explanetory, and I kinda don't want to get into the specifics.
2. My dog being superrr sick...He had a series of 'attacks' where he wasn't able to get enough air and we had to take him to the ER at 1:00 in the morning. It was really scary, and after having to put down a dog just over 2 years ago...I didn't want to have to experience that pain again. especially not with my dog who I love soo much since loosing him would kinda be the equivalent of the world ending...just saying. He means soo much to me. It turned out he had some type of blockage in his stomach and an esophigeal something...but we got medications and did home care to help him get better. <3 So glad he's okay.
3. Friend (or not I guess) Drama...This is mostly explained in the last blog post I wrote.

Now for the fabulous parts of summer: :)



1. ><> SEACAMP!!!!!- Best. thing. ever. Oh my gosh. I love this camp soo much and I'm going to be insanely sad once Senior year starts knowing I won't be able to go there as a camper to the I, II, or III summer sessions. However, there IS a college age trip that I recently found out about..but, I don't know much about that yet. haha. I will have ot look into it. :) But anyways, this is a marine biology camp in San Diego, CA and this summer I did SCII. My favorite part of camp has to have been the night snorkel...even though I almost passed up the opportunity because I was cold and putting on the dreaded wetsuit and then jumping into freezing water didn't seem like it was going to make the situation better...plus, lets be honest. I was kinda freaked out by the idea of jumping into the ocean when it was dark and I wouldn't be able to see more than a few feet infront of my face or around my body (since we were given water flashlights). I made the decision to go though and I"m sooooo glad I did! I would've regretted not going sooo much...although, I probably wouldn't have known what I was missing out on either. It was soooo cool seeing the 'water sparkles'; the squid light and all flashlights were turned off for a period of time once everyone was in the water and you would move your hands back and forth through the water creating movement and there would be little 'sparkles'. What we were seeing was bioluminescense. (A light produced by a chemical reaction that occurs in an organism). We saw dinoflagellates (according to the SC instructors), which are the most common source of bioluminescense. It was soooo cool! I also highly enjoyed the sea lion that was out for a swim and kept circling around my group :) so amazing. So, if it wasn't already obvious; I LOVED the night snorkel :) The seacamp instructors were also fantastic and I loved getting ot know them throughout camp. They were all so friendly and caring; best of all, they knew how to allow for lots of fun while still maintaining a sense of authority, and saftey was def. the number one priority. :)
2. No homework/tests or stress from school...pretty self explanatory :)


SO, overall it has been a great and aa pretty fantastic summer and I'm sad to see it come to a close. 11th grade here we come. I'm incredibly nervous for this year because I've heard it's the difficultest and most challengingist year of high school...whcih I can't imagine will be all that fun with my already present difficutlies in school as is...but, I'm going to try to make the best of it. I'll work through the tough times and it'll be great to know that I have Sydney to help me through along with the blog which will be a good plae to be able to just write it all down. :)

I hope all of you reading the blog (whoever that may be) have had a great summer as well and will have an excellent year of leraning too :)

-Sadie

And here's a quote:
"Our memories of the ocean will linger on, long after our footprints in the sand are gone."

Drama That You'd Never Tell Your Momma

Hey World,

           

            I feel like my last post was a little weird somehow. But here’s another one that you might be able to relate to a little more. I titled it "Drama That You'd Never Tell Your Momma" because if your mom is anything like mine, she just doesn't understand this kind of girl stuff and if you tell her it will be more like an interogation and "YOU NEED TO DO THIS UGH" then a "oh honny I'm sorry" kind of discussion.

It can be hard to avoid drama with your friends sometimes. What I’ve been going through with my friends is much like a jigsaw puzzle. I’ve been going through a similar thing to what Sadie is going through about her friend ignoring her and not wanting to be friends anymore, except multiple friends are against me. It’s like because of one person, everyone turned against me. It was one person who shared everything I told her to all of my friends (while juicing up the story a little) to make it seem like I was a bad person, my best friend, that did this.

I’m just going to talk about a few little things that burst into a really big deal. This isn’t the full story, as you might be able to tell, but I’m focusing on little details that actually made a big impact on our emotions.

Here’s the bottom line, don’t tell your best friends that you think you’re being replaced and then later tell them that you are now spending more time with someone else. That’s what she did to me and it’s just not cool.

I hate how I shared something special with every single one of my friends, whether that be an inside joke, being the first to know each other in a group of friends, a plan to go on vacation together, communication through email unlike everyone else, or a blog like me and Sadie (who is the only person I’ve ever had a blog with :D), and now it’s not special anymore because each friend spoiled the secrets and gave that special something to someone else too. What hurt me a lot was a friend who I was “twins” with. She became “twins” with my other best friend who happened to be the “best friend” that had complained about me replacing her (which I never did by the way. It was just a rumor that was spread, which is another thing I hate about high school and gossip and teens because they are rarely true and totally break everything apart (another main reason why I’m going through what I’m going through is the spreading of rumors)) and then turned many of my friends against me and replaced me in return. Then another friend starts talking to the person they used to hate when I was friends with them because the “hater” hated me and they became best friends (I hope I’m not confusing you too much with all of the people involved). So all my friends turned against me and we have nothing special anymore and my worst enemies are now friends with my ex friends. Now I’m left with just the memory and everyone is ticked off at me. For life.

A while ago I had my 16^th birthday. One of these so called friends of mine had been ignoring me for quite some time, and this person knew it was my birthday because everyone spread the news, yet this person didn’t say happy birthday to me. Go figure. Now I’m not going to complain about a simple happy birthday but even if this person had told me happy birthday, it’s not like I would think they are trying to be friends with me again. It’s just a nice and unexpected thing to do that would have made me feel really good, especially when all of my other so called friends said happy birthday. Besides, birthdays are supposed to be special and full of surprises. But hey, welcome to high school, where it is absolutely impossible to get around without running into someone you know, as you see them in the halls and classroom all the time, making it extremely obvious that you’re being ignored.

There was another friend that had stopped talking to me as well. Months and months and months had passed and then finally she decided to send me a message forward. After that I got another message saying, “sorry I was really bored XD.” How am I supposed to respond to that after such a long time of not speaking to each other? I was extremely hesitant to respond. All I could think of was that she used me as a second choice to talk to when she was “bored” but she couldn’t be there for the past who knows how many days. All of a sudden, after such a long time, if you decide to talk and expect me to open up like we are still the best BESTEST friends ever, I won’t be quite sure what to do. In fact I’ll be speechless. Yes, it’s a fact that time passing does help the healing process, and it takes time to earn trust back once it’s broken, but how can you trust a person you haven’t spoken to for so long? Who knows what happened to them and what they’ve been talking about. What you do is give a little bit of space then start being there for that person and proving you’re trustworthy again, not just completely let that person loose and come back sometime in the future saying, “HIYA BUDDY!”

I know that my friends talk about me, because once in a while I will get a message asking a question about something and I ask why they want to know and they say they were talking about me, but it just hurts being so isolated just because I actually know what’s going on as they are ignoring me. I know exactly what has happened.

Well, if friends can be a jigsaw puzzle, being “more than just in the friend zone” is a hassle. 2000+ years together, and boys and girls still aren’t on the same page. Sigh.

FLASH BACK

On the last day of school, I recall running into a guy who I barely knew. He was one of those guys that you catch their eye one day and then next thing you know you say hi to each other every day but never really talk to. So he said, “hey Sydney,” as usual with those big beaming eyes and a nice smile, yet in that awkward O_O and :D at the same time kind of way (kind of like those moments when you realize you are right next to your crush with that weird, happy, and tense feeling) so that you could tell he was nervous for some reason. I said hi back, but then he did two really strange things. A) He said (in a really hyper RAWR kind of way) “I’m going to hug you,” and B) are you going to be here next year? Well, maybe these aren’t THAT strange but first of all, that is the most awkward way to get a hug in the entire universe.

BOYS LESSON #1: Don’t ask for hugs. You just let it happen in the spur of the moment, especially if you hardly know that person. I mean if they are sad or extremely shy or something you can politely ask, “would you like a hug,” or “can I hug you?” But otherwise it’s just awkward…

Second of all, what’s it to you if I don’t come back? I should have said I wasn’t coming back, because then what? You ask for some way to contact me? I’m sure you’re thinking I’m acting a little weird for him just trying to be friendly, but this particular guy didn’t have a phone, and I didn’t have a facebook, so there was absolutely no way of contact anyways, AND I didn’t know who the heck this guy was. To me he’s a stranger that by some odd chance goes to my school.

Anyways, that same day, another guy told one of my friends that she looked fat in her outfit. How rude.

BOYS LESSON #2: If a girl asks if she looks fat, she either really thinks she might look fat and trusts your opinion, or she wants to know how you think she looks and wants to hear you say, “no you look great.” Many guys have told me that there is no real good answer to this question, but there is. You either A) use BOYS LESSON #3 which I will list in a second, or B) say she looks fine/good/great/beautiful/etc. Whether it’s hard to believe or not, some girls don’t actually know if they should be content with their weight, and some just want to know what YOU think is a perfect weight, so don’t say, “ugh. Why do all skinny girls have to ask if they are fat? They already know they are skinny.” On the other hand, some girls can be a little obsessive and/or needy when they ask these questions so watch out.

BOYS LESSON #3: ALL insults shall be worded as compliments. For example, “I think what you are wearing is nice, but I REALLY loved the outfit you wore the other day.” If you word it like that, cooties to you, respect for you, and we will appreciate it because if there’s one thing I know, girls love hearing your opinions even if it doesn’t seem like it. In fact, many girls search for your opinions.

That’s all that’s on my mind right now about boys though, so tune in for more in upcoming posts!

RANDOM QUOTE: “Life becomes so much better when you decide not to care. Just live in the moment and don’t let the drama bring you down.”

RANDOM ICON:

-Sydney

Why I Am NOT Looking Forward to High School

To the world,

So I had an eye exam today and it’s official. I’m .5 nearsighted. Now that’s not bad, but it means I need to wear glasses sometimes during school. That will definitely take some getting used to. I tried on some glasses at the eye place today and I’m already frustrated with what they look like on me. Why should I care as long as I can see though, right? But my eyes hurt so badly right now because they dilated them.

I’ve never really been content with complaining, at least to a specific audience that is. But sometimes it’s nice to let out a little “juice.” So grab your straws, world! I swear I will be in a better mood sometime at the end.

“I walked inside a crowded room, and all I saw was me.

I was a ghost and everything around me seemed still as can be.

I heard whispers of, “who is she,” and “what’s she doing here?”

Meanwhile all I that I could think of was how to disappear.”

            - I wrote that one day when I was walking around the school. People didn’t have a clue who I was and I could care less to tell them.

I used to think that nobody ever noticed me. Maybe it was that way before, until I started showing off my own personality and flare in the simplest ways. Now I understand that people do notice me, but they just do not know me. It’s like my identity is simply having no identity. Sometimes I feel like I’m afraid to speak up in high school, just as I’d rather perform in front of thousands of people I do not know than in front of my school friends. There’s just something about school that feels more like work and like you can’t be yourself and be open because of the pressure put on you to blend in with society and peer pressure to be just like everyone else.

            I usually end up grabbing hold of two titles. One, which you already know about, is “quiet” and the other is “weird.” Do you ever feel like people just aren’t giving you the chance to let others get to know you? That and, people can be so consumed in other things that they don’t care to listen and get to know you. Immediately you get a feeling of distance from your classmates.

I was just reading through my journals. A few months ago I wrote to myself, “sometimes it’s like you feel so much that you can’t write or talk about it and you feel bottled up.” Yet, I try to explain.

You know what scares me and/or bothers me about high school? Maybe this is just another “diary of a shy girl,” but here are a few things:

1.    Lots of people, lots of people you don’t know, and even worse, people you don’t know even though they know you. O_O

2.    If you screw something, you live with it and see it every day for 4 years.

3.    People are way too involved with their little cliques.

- At my school we have several cliques: The ASB, and the popular kids that if you talk to them and you aren’t in their group or don’t have a connection (such as knowing a friend from a sport or activity) they will stomp on you like a little bug (not to be sexist. But it’s usually the guys that do this) yet please note not everyone is like this, but many are (stereotypes). Then there’s the “nerds,” or the people in the advanced level classes that never seem to branch out, the nerds that eat lunch in teachers’ classrooms, and the other cliques I don’t seem to know much about, like the “emos,” “skaters,” and what I like to call, “The Musicless Boy Bands.” But anyways, it’s tough knowing that everything is in its own little place and change isn’t an option.

4.    School work, tests, grades. Enough said.

5.    There’s this guy. I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty afraid of him. He’s so intimidating and he totally stalks me. He stares at me like a creeper. I mean it’s one thing to catch someone’s eyes for a minute or catch a look directly in the eyes and see their eyes sparkle and smile at me, but when you blankly stare at me for more than 10 seconds I start to get worried. Do I have something on my face? Are you plotting to come and hurt me? Just as bad, are you going to ask me to the homecoming dance? Well maybe it’s just me but I don’t want to go to the dance with a creep who I barely know.

Those are just the things on my mind right now. You know what also bugs me? Friends that seem so uninterested in a conversation and making me do all the work to keep it alive. Sure it can be a back and forth thing with who leads but don’t make the effort so one-sided. I say something and get an, "lol........" or an, "um...okay," and it’s like I said something really weird or bad and you're avoiding me. Sometimes we say those things, yes, but if you do it all the time, and I mean ALL THE TIME, eventually I’m just going to get sick of talking to you if you keep doing so. Lately I’ve gotten SO used to one-sided relationships. It’s so bad these days. I’d be utterly impressed if someone could prove me wrong right about now and put forth some effort. Typical high school lazy friends.

So now that I’m thinking about homecoming, what if you DON’T want to go to the dance with someone who asks you? What do you say?

Ideas for how to turn down a homecoming date:

1.    I promised to go with my friends.

2.    I already have a date.

3.    I have plans for that night with my family/friends/a date/dinner out (anything you can think of)

4.    I’m sorry, I was waiting for someone else to ask, but I can save you a dance.

Do you have any more ideas? Just remember, lying can lead to troubles. Just be honest when saying no in the kindest way possible and things should turn out fine. And don’t EXPECT whoever asks you to be “fine.” They will probably be a little hurt or embarrassed at first.

On the contrary, there are some things I am looking forward to about high school. One is meeting up with friends, and another is BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING! Yeah… that’s pretty much it. Care to share what is exciting and worrying you about the upcoming school year?

                                                                To my dearest Sadie:

                           (Note me making fun of the fact that

                           I have to wear glasses at school next year)

RANDOM QUOTE: “I had my share, blinked away the tears, and now I’m over it.”

RANDOM ICON:

-Sydney

I Thought We Were Friends...

Hey readers of the SadieandSydney blog!
                   So, over this summer I've been trying to reconnect with a close friend who I knew in 3rd through 8th grade. For the purposes of this blog, I'm going to call her Sara (although, that's not her real name). It was in 5th grade that we became superrrr close. But, high school started, and we didn't go to the same school. I always worried that I'd lose my elementary and middle school friends with high school, since most of them went on to the same school, but I chose a school different from my home school. We e-mailed/facebooked back and forth for all through 9th and part of 10th grade. Then, she stopped responding to my e-mails towards the end of 10th, and would only reply to me maybe once a month. I thought it might have been just because she was busy with school, homework, sports, and other friends/plans she had. I was still glad to be hearing from her..even if it wasn't nearly as often as it had once been. However, over this summer she hasn't responded to any of my e-mails. Well...until earlier this afternoon. :(
                     I went into my e-mail expecting another super great e-mail about the blog from Sydney, but instead I found the one from Sara. It basically was her telling me to stop e-mailing her because she didn't want to be friends anymore and didn't understand why I still felt we were "BFFs" like we were in middle school. I just don't really understand where she's coming from and I dont' know what happened to the close relationship we had...I mean, I haven't done anything to give her a reason to suddenly hate me. I've tried so hard to keep in contact with her and maintain not only this one, but all of the friendships I had in middle school....urghhh. Why is this happening? :( What did I do wrong?
It's really hard because I've kinda had this gut feeling that something wasn't right with her and me anymore...since the other girl who was in our friendship group and doesn't go to school with her or me still gets wallposts from her on facebook....and they seem to still be really close. Sara even invited our friend, lets call her Emily, to her birthday party last month, but I never was invited. Emily wanted to carpool to Sara's house for the party, but when she found out I didn't get the invite, she seemed kinda bummed. I'm glad that at least Emily hasn't totally shut me out. Sara has even defreinded and blocked me on facebook... :(
             The thing that makes me really frustrated about Sara right now is the fact that she used my learning disability and dyslexia as a rationale for why we can't be friends anymore. Apperanlty, she's tired of having to stand up for me to other people who 'point and stare' because I'm different in that way. She said she was annoyed with all of the 'negative' e-mails I sent her towards the end of last year about bullies...when, all I was looking for was a little reassurance that it's okay to be different from someone other than my Mom (because although that's lovely, it's kinda under the job description of a parent to tell their kid something to make it all better). But guess what...apperantly since I'm not perfect (but get real...no one is.), Sara doesnt' want to be friends anymore. The part that hurts the most is the fact that she used that against me though, because she knows how much I try to think positively about my differences and not let them make me feel any less of a person....But, then again, if she reallllllly doesn't want to be friends with me, and supposedly hates me so much...maybe that's exactly WHY she used that rationale.
I just don't even know....ugh. Why is this so hard?
                    Maybe this is what I should take out of the experience though....If she has felt this way about me and doesn't want to be friends and is willing to use my disabilities against me, then maybe she's not worth my time or friendship. I'm a quiet person, and I'm not going to freak out and send Sara e-mails demanding all of the details about why exactly she doesn't want to be friends anymore...even though it really makes no sense to me why she's all of a sudden just turned. but, I've decided not to let this get to me because I sense that's exactly what she wants. I'm also not going to give up on her though, in case for whatever reason she decides that she does value my friendship and wants to be friends...and even though I have lost a lot of trust and respect in the person who was once my best friend, I'll be willing to open myself up to her again.
                     So, I guess I was wrong about us being friends forever and all of the things I was hoping to be able to share with her in 11th grade (since I'm completely scared for this year of school and will probably have a lot I want to share with a friend...I guess that will be what I use the blog for though...and my new friend Sydney! :) Thank goodness at least SOMEONE is willing to listen.
I guess that's all I have to say about this right now; I might post another entry later once I have more time to just think things through, but I'm pretty sure I've gotten most of what needs to be said...

Here's a quote to end with:
"I've learned that things change, people change, and it doesn't mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn't mean giving up, it means accepting that some things weren't meant to be."

Thanks for reading.

-Sadie ><>