Hey readers of the SadieandSydney blog!
So, over this summer I've been trying to reconnect with a close friend who I knew in 3rd through 8th grade. For the purposes of this blog, I'm going to call her Sara (although, that's not her real name). It was in 5th grade that we became superrrr close. But, high school started, and we didn't go to the same school. I always worried that I'd lose my elementary and middle school friends with high school, since most of them went on to the same school, but I chose a school different from my home school. We e-mailed/facebooked back and forth for all through 9th and part of 10th grade. Then, she stopped responding to my e-mails towards the end of 10th, and would only reply to me maybe once a month. I thought it might have been just because she was busy with school, homework, sports, and other friends/plans she had. I was still glad to be hearing from her..even if it wasn't nearly as often as it had once been. However, over this summer she hasn't responded to any of my e-mails. Well...until earlier this afternoon. :(
I went into my e-mail expecting another super great e-mail about the blog from Sydney, but instead I found the one from Sara. It basically was her telling me to stop e-mailing her because she didn't want to be friends anymore and didn't understand why I still felt we were "BFFs" like we were in middle school. I just don't really understand where she's coming from and I dont' know what happened to the close relationship we had...I mean, I haven't done anything to give her a reason to suddenly hate me. I've tried so hard to keep in contact with her and maintain not only this one, but all of the friendships I had in middle school....urghhh. Why is this happening? :( What did I do wrong?
It's really hard because I've kinda had this gut feeling that something wasn't right with her and me anymore...since the other girl who was in our friendship group and doesn't go to school with her or me still gets wallposts from her on facebook....and they seem to still be really close. Sara even invited our friend, lets call her Emily, to her birthday party last month, but I never was invited. Emily wanted to carpool to Sara's house for the party, but when she found out I didn't get the invite, she seemed kinda bummed. I'm glad that at least Emily hasn't totally shut me out. Sara has even defreinded and blocked me on facebook... :(
The thing that makes me really frustrated about Sara right now is the fact that she used my learning disability and dyslexia as a rationale for why we can't be friends anymore. Apperanlty, she's tired of having to stand up for me to other people who 'point and stare' because I'm different in that way. She said she was annoyed with all of the 'negative' e-mails I sent her towards the end of last year about bullies...when, all I was looking for was a little reassurance that it's okay to be different from someone other than my Mom (because although that's lovely, it's kinda under the job description of a parent to tell their kid something to make it all better). But guess what...apperantly since I'm not perfect (but get real...no one is.), Sara doesnt' want to be friends anymore. The part that hurts the most is the fact that she used that against me though, because she knows how much I try to think positively about my differences and not let them make me feel any less of a person....But, then again, if she reallllllly doesn't want to be friends with me, and supposedly hates me so much...maybe that's exactly WHY she used that rationale.
I just don't even know....ugh. Why is this so hard?
Maybe this is what I should take out of the experience though....If she has felt this way about me and doesn't want to be friends and is willing to use my disabilities against me, then maybe she's not worth my time or friendship. I'm a quiet person, and I'm not going to freak out and send Sara e-mails demanding all of the details about why exactly she doesn't want to be friends anymore...even though it really makes no sense to me why she's all of a sudden just turned. but, I've decided not to let this get to me because I sense that's exactly what she wants. I'm also not going to give up on her though, in case for whatever reason she decides that she does value my friendship and wants to be friends...and even though I have lost a lot of trust and respect in the person who was once my best friend, I'll be willing to open myself up to her again.
So, I guess I was wrong about us being friends forever and all of the things I was hoping to be able to share with her in 11th grade (since I'm completely scared for this year of school and will probably have a lot I want to share with a friend...I guess that will be what I use the blog for though...and my new friend Sydney! :) Thank goodness at least SOMEONE is willing to listen.
I guess that's all I have to say about this right now; I might post another entry later once I have more time to just think things through, but I'm pretty sure I've gotten most of what needs to be said...
Here's a quote to end with:
"I've learned that things change, people change, and it doesn't mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn't mean giving up, it means accepting that some things weren't meant to be."
Thanks for reading.
-Sadie ><>
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