Sometimes I Wonder

Hey everyone!!

So, here I go; my 2nd blog post. :)

Sometimes I wonder if other people notice me, or if they just choose not to stop and say hello. I get it that I'm not as outgoing as most and that I don't live up to that expectation of life, but does that mean I have to feel invisible? Sometimes I wonder why I can't fully be myself around others, and why I always find myself pretending to be something I'm not until that person or group of people 'accept' me.

Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to just 'fit' in instead of feeling like an outsider.

Would it matter if I looked different, if I had more money, if I had different hobbies? Would people even notice if I just disappeared? This is not to say that I'm contemplating suicide right now, although I have in the past, but I'm actually content in life with how it is...but sometimes I just wish things were different; I feel like everyone is at that point in life at one time or another.

Sometimes I wonder how other people percieve me; I mean, I know that the obvious reaction would be quiet, shy, unfriendly, stand-offish...but, for those few people in life that don't just go with the initial reaction/feeling, and that try to really try to 'see' who I am beyond that....it's something I wonder. In life there are lots of things I am uncertian about, and I wonder WHY certain things happen. I like to think that everything happens for a reason, but I never understand why bad things happen to good people...although, I have been told that it's because they'll be stronger after dealing with hardships. I don't know why, but sometimes I wonder why I've been born 'different' than most others in that I have a learning 'disability' and dyslexia...but, then I realize that by me having these obstacles to deal with, it allows me to have something that sets me appart from others, even if it is typically viewed as something negative. Sometimes I wonder why others feel the need to make fun of their peers who aren't the same. In middle school, I always wondered why I was constantly being picked on and labeled as 'stupid', but looking back I wonder why I never had the courage to stand up to those bullies and tell them that I wasn't stupid,
just different. I sometimes wonder why I always hold on to the belief

and hope that my condition will get better when I know there's no cure.

 I wonder if it's because I know that despite being different in these

ways, I'll overcome the challenges I face because of this and become
stronger as a person for doing so when at times it feels as if the world
is out to get me.

Somtimes I wonder why teen girls can be so cruel to their peers. I wonder why the gossip and lies hurt so much when I know that what they're saying isn't true. Is it because EVERYONE is participating in spread them and I'm the 'target'? Or is it because I'm often overlooked, so the things being said are automatically believed by just about everyone since they dont' really know me? Sometimes I wonder if people look at me as just an easy target, someone to pick on, someone who just 'takes' it all withougt a fight. Somtimes I wonder why being different is so hard. Sometimes I wonder why I can't just be more outgoing; why I hold back even though I try so hard to convince myself to speak up, have fun, be myself, relax. Sometimes I wonder if social situations are this challenging for others. Sometimes I wonder if it's only me. I wonder if non-human things ever feel lonely. Like that flower that grew so much faster and is taller than all the others in the field. Or the tree that was planted all alone in the park. Or the only cloud drifting along in a clear blue sky. Does nature ever feel lonely too?

Beyond the feelings I wonder about, I wonder about 'silly' things in life too...which I think I'll include here just to brighten the mood a little in my post. :)
Sometimes I wonder if bread is just raw toast.
Sometimes I wonder why the freezer doesn't have a light, but the refrigerator does.
Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be a marine animal and be able to spend all day every day in the ocean.

Sometimes I wonder if girls or boys are more understanding.
Sometimes I wonder why one person lets a small problem become a big disadvantage and hold them back, while another person uses that same problem as a means to propell themselves forward.
Sometimes I wonder why we always want what we can't/don't have.
Sometimes I wonder if everyone sees the same colors or if we all see a different color 'green', but since it's been labeled as green, we just go with it.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if technology just disappeared.
Somtimes I wonder why the innocense we all have a little kids disappears as we get older.
Somtimes I wonder why time really does seem to fly when you're having fun.
Sometimes I wonder if it's okay to wish to be something different.
Sometimes I wonder why I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and then still not know what time it is.
Somtimes I wonder why answering the same letter 3 or more times, or noticing a pattern in the answers, on a scantron test is so nerve racking.
Sometimes I just wonder about life and the world we live in.

Here's a quote (Well, two actually)-
"Daddy, why does the snow flake?
Because snow--
because snow flakes.
Daddy, what is mustard made of?
Because it's yellow ketchup.
Daddy, why are men bald?
Sometimes they're bald
because their head is shiny...
and they don't have hair on it.
So their head
is just more of their face.
Daddy,
are ladybugs only girls...
or are there boys, too?
And if there are,
what are they called?" (I Am Sam)

"Daddy, where does the sky end?
Why does the moon
follow me home?
Why is the sun orange?
Where does the hour go
in Daylight Savings?" (I Am Sam)